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Lord Arragorn has returned short story.


chessman567 5 / 170 11  
May 26, 2013   #1
Hey guys! I was wondering if you could take a look at my story. grammar is not really the issue, and I know there are a few run ons, but can you tell me if it catches your attention? I am doing this for fun, and I am in 7th grade, but I just want to know if it grabs your attention and makes you want to continue reading.

I walk down a quiet, seemingly innocent, streets of London. The sky is a beautiful azure, the landscape before me so surreal, it is almost too good to be true. And yet... I still feel a sense of foreboding. And out of nowhere, a car comes crashing up the paved sidewalk and I collapse to the ground. I almost black out, staring at others around me, uttering nothing but my eyes pleading, telling it all. But the onlookers look on... And two men, two men jump out of the car and start hacking me, one with a butcher knife and the other with a meat cleaver. The last few seconds of my life pass with horrific pain and I scream, pleading with the Good Lord... "Why is this happening to me?" I cry out in desperate pain. I stare into the bloody eyes of my killer, those merciless eyes, those pitiless eyes, drilling a hole through my body. And then... the pain stops, and I hear three gunshots ring out, and everything was gone!

I shake my head and try to right myself, my eyes surveying the ruins around me. What happened, I thought rapidly. Parts of what had happened flashed through my mind briefly. I remembered a huge knife hacking at my body, unbelievable pain, and those pitiless, inhumane eyes that fixed upon my limp body. Now, a vague, unformed baby was cast in front of my eyes, with a man standing over him. And then I heard a hideous voice scream out of the darkness, "FISHEYE! Do it now!" Fisheye stood up and held out his hand, muttered something quietly, and I felt something invisible grab me huffily and throw me at the statue behind me. Ropes wound around my body, tightening, suffocating, and I turned my head, my breaths coming in slow, painful gasps. Fisheye turned around and then I saw it... a caudron, bubbling with some kind of kind of fiery, bubbly hot liquid that I could not make out, and he took the baby and cast it into the lava. He held his hand above the lava, muttering an incantation of some kind, and I could catch a few words: "Blood of thy forefathers, may thee awaken again..." Then, he grabbed into his cloak and took out the butcher knife that I had seen earlier, and walked over to my side. He sliced my forearm and collected the few drops of glistening blood that fell, and then returned to the cauldron, which now emitted an aura of glowing light. The blood dripped into the cauldron, and Fisheye shouted, "And you are reborn!" A murky shape, somewhat humanoid, began to emerge from the cauldron. Lord Arragorn had returned!

Didgeridoo - / 306 191  
May 26, 2013   #2
It is an engaging read, but it gets kind of confusing after the narrator gets hacked and shot. I thought that he/she became a ghost or something, and I don't know how he/she is still alive. Also, the second paragraph is a very, very close imitation of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, when Wormtail reincarnates Lord Voldemort. I guess that's what you were trying to do, but it kind of messes up the flow between the part you made up and the second part...


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