Please can you help me to revise my essay. Thanks in advance
Task Card: People nowadays work hard to buy more things. This has made our lives generally more comfortable, but many traditional values and customs have been lost and this is a pity.
To what extend do U agree or disagree?
In pursuit of material comforts, modern man strives to achieve better financial status. This may be, sometime at the cost of traditional values and customs. This essay will consider this issue.
Critics may say Hi-tech appliances that people buy have made our lives more comfortable. However, they are also the main sources contributing to the lost of traditional values and customs. One problem is that cell phones and computer connecting to the Internet have replaced face-to-face conversation and interaction, hence the art of community has been lost. Furthermore, things like microwave and canned food make busy people prefer to heat up meals in the oven rather than to prepare traditional dinner. By doing this, traditional food like square cake (Banh Trung), Spring Roll (Pho Cuon) and Bun Cha would gradually disappear. Another drawback is that the thriving of entertainment application such as Ipods or mobile phones mean that the young generation are imbued with the latest thing and they would neglect the traditional values. Take music for example, the youth now can listen to Pop, Rock or other types of music which are very popular worldwide. Inevitably, traditional music like "Cai Luong" or "Quan Ho" would naturally not exist in the future.
In addition to this, family bonds are in critically danger of being lost owing to the increasing pace of life of the adult to supplement the income. Parents, in order to acquire some social status or get promoted, are oblivious to their children. They spend most of their time on working or studying, hence not only do they have time to have dinner with family but they also do not frequently play outdoor activities with their offspring. Moreover, when coming home, they often get exhausted so hardly every body in family have time to listen to each other. As a result, this would keep family members from being able to build close relationships to one another.
To conclude, Personally I believe that in order to satisfy the quest for material prosperity, individuals have to compromise their time which leading to the loss of traditional values and customs.
your essay looks good, but I have some suggestions about the introduction and conclusion.
In pursuit of material comforts, modern man strives to achieve better financial status. This may be, sometime at the cost of traditional values and customs.
This essay will consider this issue.(At the last part of the introduction you must apparently state that you agree or disagree with the topic and why)
To conclude, (At the first part of a conclusion you should restate the introduction or topic and then write an ending statement) Personally I believe that in order to satisfy the quest for material prosperity, individuals have to compromise their time which leading to the loss of traditional values and customs.