Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 5

"A lot of people want to get married at later ages. Why is this trend popular ?"

nguyentram 1 / 1  
Jul 20, 2017   #1
A lot of people want to get married at later ages.
Why is this trend popular ?
Is it a good development ?

marriage among older couples

Marriage has long been viewed as one of the biggest decisions of life. However, marriage in the later ages seems to become a common phenomenon these days. The following essay will discuss the reasons and consider whether it is positive or not.

To begin with, there are many reasons leading to the trend. First of all, it is obvious that discovering the self has become the number one priority of many people in the modern life. In other words, many people tend to spend most of their time to enjoy their personal life or pursue their own interests such as travelling, studying rather than taking a nuptial vow. On the other hand, the fast changing world creates many opportunities for people to establish their dream career. As a result, many people will make full use of the time before marriage to focusing on their goals in working. Hence, tying a knot becomes one of the barriers to gain their career achievements.

As to the question of whether this trend is good or not. There is no doubt that this tendency is highly beneficial for people in many aspects. Firstly, we cannot deny the fact that when being mature, people develop better perspectives of everything and this means that it helps people deal with marriage in an efficient way. Besides, this trend also helps people create a strong bank balance for a stable future and ensure financial security for the rest of time. However, all things contain within them both merits and drawbacks and marriage in the middle ages is not the exception. Obviously, when getting married later, people have to live under enormous pressure coming from their parents and their surrounding environment. More seriously, it often becomes hard for couples in a later marriage to spend quality time together as job and career become more important to them.

In conclusion, tying a knot later in life comes with both advantages and disadvantages.

P/s: I'm stuck at the conclusion. I really appreciate for any comments and clues.

Holt [Contributor] - / 8,999 2704  
Jul 21, 2017   #2
Tram, this is a good essay. The only problem that I see with it is a disconnection between your discussion as to why this is a popular trend these days and why it should be considered a good development. It is important that you learn to discuss two connecting reasons or thoughts within one paragraph in order to make it most effective in discussing the topic.

Take for example your first example, you mentioned at the end of it that getting married is a barrier to career achievements. That would have been the best topic to focus the whole paragraph on instead of presenting separate reasons that don't really have a chance to be properly defended in your discussion. If you had opted instead to discuss why marriage is a barrier towards career opportunities, then you would have been able to effectively represent the reason the trend is popular and the positive side of that.

Your second paragraph has the same problem. It has too much going on without really giving a strong impact as to the supporting discussion. Statements that only deliver half a reason is not as good as delivering one reason with a strong supporting statement. That is the kind of paragraph that allows for complex sentence development and an increased mark up in your final score.

As for the conclusion, it seems like you did not even try to develop one on your own. You even deviated from the prompt requirement by indicating and advantage and disadvantage reference when only the advantage needed to be referenced. The final paragraph should be written in the same manner as your opening statement. The only difference being that in the conclusion, you can mention the reasons you stated in the body and then close by repeating the belief that "marriage at a later age is a good development because of the preceding discussion". No need to mention the disadvantages because there is no mention of that in the original instructions.
akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Jul 21, 2017   #3
Hi Tram, I have read your essay closely and try to give you a few suggestions for finalizing this. Please, meet my notes so that you can deal with them in the next term.

First, you failed for impressing readers in the first glance because you made mistakes in the meaning and grammar. In the introductory paragraph, you are supposed to paraphrase the statement by using your own vocabulary in order to get a higher score in the lexical resource. For your thesis statement, you have needed strengthening your opinion. You present briefly what you would explain in the body paragraphs. I meant that you mention reasons of the issue and your view. You can display simple words to describe that.

Turning to your body paragraphs, your ideas are good. However, you had to write systematically. This is an academic writing so that you have to display well. The supporting sentences should be included in your opinion. Then, you give relevant examples. I believe you can master this section if you wanna read the examples of writing task 2. You only need the basic pattern to make your explanation more systematic.

For creating the good conclusion, you only paraphrase your thesis statement. In other words, you restate your opinion.
Hopefully, these can help you. GOOD LUCK
OP nguyentram 1 / 1  
Jul 21, 2017   #4
I really appreciate for your comments. This was the first essay I have written so I do not know the right way to connect two questions in the original instructions. You mean that I have to write the first paragraph with the topic sentence "getting married is a barrier to career achievements" and try to discuss it by using a strong supporting statement. Similarly, the second paragraph will be used to talk about positive aspects of this trend. But How many good sides should I mention to ?

May you show me the mistakes I made in the meaning and grammar and give me some synonyms to paraphrase the statements used in the introductory paragraph, please ?
tunglinh0907 8 / 18 3  
Jul 22, 2017   #5
Hi I think your essay is good, has many academic vocab.
You can write the conclusion by paraphrasing the introduction.
There are two clear questions you have to deal with. So in the conclusion, you can re-answer these questions again but use other ways and grammar.

Home / Writing Feedback / "A lot of people want to get married at later ages. Why is this trend popular ?"