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A lot of young people spend their time sitting in front of the television at home

kimyoongi 1 / -  
Jun 24, 2017   #1
What are the advantages and disadvantages for children of watching television ? [IELTS WRITING]
Please give your comments

watching tv influences children in several ways

Nowadays, the habit of watching television is becoming more and more popular. Almost young people spend their time sitting in front of the television at home instead of going out with friends. However, there are both pros and cons of doing this indoor activity. In this essay, I will discuss some reasons why watching television is good and some of its drawbacks.

Let's start by looking at the advantages for youngsters of television. One of the main positives is that it expands their knowledge. What I mean by this is that there are many educational programmes and documentaries. Everything they watch supplies new information, which can be used when they need, especially in their studies.

Secondly, there are many entertainment programmes that can help children relax. A funny show can make them laugh a lot, while an exciting movie may relieve their stress at school. In addition, through television channels, juveniles can broaden their horizon, which gives them valuable experience.

Turning to the other side of the argument, watching too much television is not good for health. Staring at television screen for a long time often reduces children's eyesight. This often leads to myopia, which affects directly to their studies, their ability to feel life by sight.

Another issue is that it can be harmful to watch unsafe programmes. In other words, children may see violent and even sex scenes while switching channels. For instance, the 'WWE' program consists of many violent moves and fights. They may copy the action and can injure themselves.

All things considered, watching television influences children in several ways. It can be a good way for them to learn new things, but also can harm their health and behavior. Personally, I believe the benefits in terms of watching television eventually outweigh any negatives.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,519 3442  
Jun 24, 2017   #2
Kim, you have written a very impressive essay that is informative and shows off your English fluency skills to a certain degree. The main problem with your essay is not in your English comprehension skills nor your discussion, both of those are very well represented. The problem, is that you did not follow the academic requirement for an IELTS essay. What are these expected academic essay requirements?

1. The essay must be only of 5 paragraphs in length.
2. Each paragraph must be composed of a maximum of 5 sentences each.
3. A personal opinion should only be presented when required by the prompt instructions

How can you improve your writing process in this case? First of all, learn to write only 5 sentences per paragraph. That means, you need to present only one reason per paragraph. So use one sentence to present the topic sentence at the start, then 4 sentences for the supporting evidence. One topic sentence per paragraph allows for proper paragraph thought development and allows you the time to perfect your complex sentence presentations. Keep in mind the original instructions of the essay. The instructions you presented here only asked you to discuss both opinions. It does not mention any opportunity to discuss a personal opinion. Stick to the instructions by presenting only what is required. Therefore, this essay in particular should not be any more than 4 paragraphs covering:

1. Paraphrasing of the prompt
2. First reason and discussion
3. Second reason and discussion
4. Concluding summary

In instances when a personal opinion is required, it is always best to keep the 4th paragraph for your personal opinion and then you can present a 5th paragraph for the concluding summary. Academic writing rules dictate that a personal opinion cannot be included in the summary conclusion because the personal opinion offers additional information that needs to be discussed. A conclusion can never present new information because there is no opportunity for reasoning development in the concluding paragraph.
LadyOfClockwork 31 / 102  
Jun 26, 2017   #3
I also wrote six paragraphs in my first IETLS writting. The mistake should be avoided in the future.

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