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"What is love?" - It's the beauty of a rose, yet often vile as her thorns

trevor5249 3 / 21  
Mar 18, 2010   #1
I have an essay about love and what it is. I have already handed the essay in but only to receive dismal results of 17/24. The teacher is now allowing me to rewrite a section that she will randomly pick on Friday. Any kind of help on revising of the essay will be much appreciated. Thank you in advance.

Love is a dark and intangible feeling that often exposes it's targets to danger, pain and suffering. Love is the pillar for friendship, yet it works to weaken us, and drives us to depend on and be sensitive of others. Love is built on a foundation of trust, a thin barrier between formality and chaos. Which leaves room for a selected group of people to abuse the trust and take advantage. Some might argue that love brings humans together and promote cooperation, yet cooperation and unionism are two very short fangled areas, as they will soon be contaminated with betrayal and lies. Love is a dangerous component of life and it works to deceive and manipulate other people's trusts.

At young ages, humans have a natural instinct to befriend people, but this is what weakens them and makes them vulnerable to power hungry people such as bullies. In kindergarten, we have watched countless children fall into the hands of bullies. These innocent children end up working as mindless slaves on behalf of the bully, or they get publically ridiculed and emotionally hurt. These malevolent children gained their sadistic powers by taking advantage of the innocent. Ingenuous children haven't seen the world as a whole yet, so they easily endow their love and kind hearts into the wrong investments. Their love has been abused, yet if there were no such a thing as love, nobody would get hurt.

Jealousy, which buds from the tree of love, motivates people to commit irrational actions. Most causes of dramas, whether at work or at school, revolve around jealousy. This will work to dissipate the concentration of one and provide more room for mistakes and distraction. When one feels jealous, it is because they care. Love provokes sentimental feelings and causes ones to care. In our busy lives, there is no room for drama.

Yet one might argue that love is what makes us human. Love is what brings together family, friends and happy memories. Nonetheless, who can judge that their love towards one is real? Maybe they are just taking advantage. Nobody knows. The trust between two people can be broken at a snap of a finger. An overheard conversation, a misread text message or simply the element of doubt can shatter the component of trust between two people. There is nobody you can trust but yourself. Why love others? Maybe love can bring us together, but it is unstable and dangerous.

Love is like a rose. The beauty of the flower is indescribable with words, but the stems are filled with vile thorns. Like a rose, it looks attractive and stunning, but as you look closer and examine it thoroughly, you will discover that it comes with pricks of jealousy, hatred, and mistrust and it will weaken you. If Love was not invented, Romeo and Juliet would have lived on, and nobody would have to suffer the pain and suffering love has to offer.
Jduran9 2 / 7  
Mar 18, 2010   #2
Wow, very nice essay, very specific, and "Romantic"

but the only thing a little bit odd..is the Romeo and Juliet part...
try to mold it into another way
djanat 19 / 29  
Mar 18, 2010   #3
there are some confusion in your ideas , some time
i think it is easier to talk positivly about this topic. you have to be objective so talk in general, not just about what you think but about what is real.

i advice you to put a plan to your essay
1-introduction ( do not definite the love in your first sentence . you can say " people need to be loved because love brings them the peace ,comfort and hapiness. ....

2- second paragragh: parents felling for their children is the real love because ...
3-third paragraph:...
4-fourth paragraph:
5-conclusion: you can put your own opinion ,or just give an advice but do not be brief
diodotusX 3 / 19  
Mar 19, 2010   #4
Some quick notes...
Also, I'm going to be harsh on notes. However, I'll give praise where it is due.

I am assuming that this is a formal essay, and that it is a 5-paragraph essay. The biggest note I will give is that you should practice writing the "standard" 5-paragraph essay. That is:

Intro: Funnel. Meaning, you start with a broad statement (this is the hook. Remember, MAKE IT INTERESTING) or a quotation, and then make the subsequent statements relate to your quotation or statement. These statements get more and more specific until you end with your thesis statement that will govern the rest of your paper.

Body Paragraphs: Start with your TS. The TS must relate to your thesis statement. The TS is essentially a thesis statement, but only for that paragraph. You should also have clear evidence in your body paragraphs to support your argument. Given what the topic of this paper was, that might be a bit difficult...but you could have cited from literature. Love and death are the most written about topics in all of literature (and yet, you used the most cliche example at the end...). You would have found something good.

Conclusion: Begin with a re-statement of the thesis (not word for word). The conclusion is an "inverted funnel", meaning your subsequent sentences get more and more broad, such that the last statement is big and thought provoking, making the reader think more on your essay and feel satisfied.

Well, there was more I could say...but this is enough I think. I hope it helped.
OP trevor5249 3 / 21  
Mar 19, 2010   #5
lol wow Andrew you are an amazing writer. You should be a moderator. Thank you so much for all that info. I wish I had your talent in writing.
diodotusX 3 / 19  
Mar 19, 2010   #6
Well...all I can say is write more, I guess. No, I don't guess, haha. Consciously try to improve your writing the next time you write a paper. I mean, the notes I gave here aren't anything you shouldn't already know. You're taught how to write a 5-paragraph essay (the correct way) in your freshman year of high school, right? Wait...what year in high school are you? Assuming that you are, of course, in high school lol...I'm a senior myself.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 19, 2010   #7
but only to receive dismal results of 17/24.

Did she tell you what she took points off for? If she gives great feedback, you'll know what to google to improve your skill.

Oh, I see the problem. The teacher wants you to learn good structure. This is what you call a "rant."

An essay with good structure makes good use of that spot right at the end of the first paragraph. In the last sentence of the first para, give a thesis statement.

Read that advice above about topic sentences.

Read some books about good composition, like anything by Diana Hacker.

You are ready to learn some powerful techniques for communication. I hope all of you in this thread check out this page essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/.

Love is like a rose... this is a big sloppy cliche!! It is not unique at all, because a rose is a symbol for love in popular understanding.

It's great that you are working to improve your writing!! :-) Please share what you learn with some of our other members by helping them with their essays.

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