Hung, when you paraphrase the original information in the essay, do not make up information about it. When you said
While the number of newborns is going up in the developing countries,
, that was not indicated in the original prompt. Therefore, you are delivering inaccurate information to the examiner and as such, will be marked down for it. Your paraphrase must always contain only a representation of the actual information in the original prompt. Do not add information not included in the basis of the essay.
You have developed the paragraphs in the wrong manner as well. This essay must have 5 fully developed statement paragraphs. Not two short and one extremely long paragraph. Each paragraphs are required to have up to 5 sentences each only. So don't bundle your thoughts into one paragraph. Divide it into topic paragraphs and make sure that you have thoroughly discussed the essay. Under no circumstances should you present half developed thoughts such as the one that abruptly ended in the first part of the second paragraph. Simply saying, "In addition to this" does not complete the presentation of ideas and reasons in the previous sentence. You left that sentence hanging.
Basically, this essay needs a lot of work in terms of presentation and paragraph development. It is still early enough for you to be able to make adjustments to your writing style. Please do so in order to become more prompt responsive in your future practice essays and the actual test itself.