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"lucky social experience" - equal support for sport and social activities also classes and libraries


ifournight 1 / 1  
Jun 14, 2011   #1
hello everyone, i m a newcomer here and also have just started prepareing TOEFL, here is my first TOEFL writing essay, casue i m not from english-mother tongue country, there may be lots of mistakes in the grammar and article topic, and logic, please help me evaluate the essasy and point them out.

If total score is 5, what would you give to the essay,please write down reasons if you can. THX.
Hope my tread form is correct.

In the integrated university education ecosystem, classes and libraries offer basic and core specialized knowledge, and sports and social activities function as laying a solid foundation on your health condition, boosting your overall capacity, and even creating memory that never die.

Sports result in excellent physical fitness. The more practice students take, the healthier they would be, same with the productivity of their campus life, including studying. One research published by UCLA has combined 749 students' physical fitness and weight data their academic performance. 65% of those investigated turned out to be overweight by California body mass index chart, and they got visible lower average scores at College than those physique fit students did. So there is no doubt that equal attention should be focused on sports infrastructure building as well as that of classes and libraries.

College social activities, such as extracurricular interests group, social communication activities, can broaden your horizon, teach you how to think critically, and even instruct skills that may benefit you lifelong. Such views can be perfect proved by an example of Steve Jobs, Apple present CEO. After dropping-out from the Reed College in his freshmen year, Steve decided to take a calligraphy interest course which he found so fascinating. Many years passed, when he and his colleagues were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to him, and he designed it all into the Mac, which is the first computer with beautiful typography. In 2005 he gave a speech to introduce his "lucky social experience" in Stanford University graduation Ceremony, the behavior itself became another meaningful extracurricular course.

Not only being an irreplaceable part of entire education ecosystem, sports and social activities makes students take rides of spiritual journey. Fighting together with your basketball teammates, first meeting your lifetime company, such experience just makes your life rich and unique. As times goes on, these memories will forever be engraved on the heart.

So we can draw the conclusion that at universities and colleges, sport and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial support.

EF_Susan - / 2,365 12  
Jun 14, 2011   #2
In the integrated university education ecosystem, classes and libraries offer basic and core specialized knowledge, andsomehow sports and social activities function as laying a solid foundation , boosting students' overall capacity, and even drawing a rainbow---I don't know if 'rainbow' is quite the word you're looking for here.

Sports result in excellent physical fitness .

The more practice students take, the healthier they would be, same with the productivity of their campus life, including studying, without a doubt.

65% of those investigated turned out to be overweight by California body mass index charts .

The physically fit students got higher average scores during exams than did the unqualified .---'Unqualified' is not the right word, how about, "...than those who were not physically fit?"

Many years passed, when he and his colleagues were designing the first Macintosh computer, ...

Not only being an irreplaceable part of entire education ecosystem, sports and social activities makes students take rides of spiritual journey ,---I love this!!

You've made many good points! Good luck in school!

:)
OP ifournight 1 / 1  
Jun 15, 2011   #3
Thanks for your help, and for your patience and advices, as you noticed that I have made some mistakes like "physical quality" and "unqualified". It was because while I was writing my essay I have been used to first come up with some sentence in Chinese, then "transfer" them into English, I was also using Microsoft word and dictionary to help me writing... and I don't know whether I was using the right words. So I am happy that you point them out. This indicates one problem that I should improve.

there are another two question I want to know, one is that in your opinion whether my article is fluent enough for you to read and comprehend? the other is whether my third paragraph has run off the topic, i am sure the example i list belongs to university social activity, and if the words "social activity" only means activities in which you can make friends or do some social intercourse.

I will correct and rewrite at once, thanks for your help again!


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