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candy07 9 / 33 6  
May 22, 2014   #1
Topic - The use of machines are increasing day by day which is reducing physical work done by humans .
Do you think advantages outweigh the disadvantages

Response -

Advancements in technology have touched new heights in past few decades. This can be seen no where clearer than in increasing use of machines now a days. These machines reduce the physical work done by humans. Some people think that this is a positive development while others believe it to be disadvantageous for humans.Both sides will be critiqued before a reasoned conclusion is reached.

It is felt by many that the usage of machines is harmful for health of humans since machines decrease the work done by people. For example, in many institutions staircases are replaced by lifts now a days. People opt for elevators instead of climbing one or two flight of stairs . It is confirmed in a number of researches that daily usage of elevators in workplaces promotes obesity .So this example clearly shows the linkage between using machines and adverse health effects .

On other side of the coin , many people believe that usage of machines makes work easier and less time is consumed for doing similar amount of work. Take the example of use of food processors in kitchens. The work of chopping, blending, grating, kneading has become so easy that people can not imagine their lives without this simple machine at their homes. Thus it is very obvious that using machines makes daily tasks less time consuming and less cumbersome.

After analyzing these two points of view , it is believed that using machines is advantageous as machines make work easy and smooth. The negative effects on health can be put on the back seat because there are many other ways to exercise and stay healthy . Therefore, it is hoped that in coming time people will enjoy using more and more machines and will choose alternative ways to stay disease free .
SalMon 27 / 113 10  
May 22, 2014   #2
now a days

I think you should write nowadays?

And I think if you agree with the positive, you should stress on it a little bit more.

Your choice of words and transition words are excellent (to me). Each paragraph does follow the basic outline of a paragraph. Overall, you made a pretty good impression on me. Love to see your next essay.
tiaDS 73 / 235 52  
May 22, 2014   #3
Hello candy07, i really enjoy read your essay. only in the conclusion is not really good.

perhaps it can inspire you to make your conclusion more wonderful
Conclusion paragraph:
1. Summary of POV (point of view) analyzed
2. Statement of POV or writer's opinion
3. Prediction of a recomendation
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
May 23, 2014   #4
Both sides will be critiqued before a reasoned conclusion is reached.

... I find your last line is not adding any value for your essay. It is better to express your opinion in a more straight forward way. Follow this approach for the intro;
OP candy07 9 / 33 6  
May 25, 2014   #5
Hi Dumi
Thanks for your response
1) Please tell what should be written in thesis statement of discussion essay as in this essay .
2) As per my understanding , thesis is written in argument essays (It is agreed that _______ . It will be proven by looking at how ______ and _______ affects _______)
3) I never wrote a thesis at the end of discussion essay intro . Please tell in detail .
Thanks again in advance.
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
May 27, 2014   #6
1) Thesis statement is simply a statement expressing your opinion. It is always good to conclude your intro with a sentence that clearly expresses your opinion because the prompt directly asks you about your opinion. For example;

I personally believe that machines offer more advantages to us although there are a few negative effects like health issues.
2) Here too, you have an issue - are machines beneficial or not? And your prompt asks you to express your view. So you need a thesis statement.

3) Well, the approach I suggested is the one that I found is the most appropriate one for scoring marks and managing time at IELTS or TOEFL. However, it is my suggestion and in case if you are not comfortable with that you can just leave it aside.