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Ngoc98 2 / 1 1  
Feb 12, 2020   #1

MUSIC BONDS people together

Topic: Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

It is believed that music has functions to form a close-knit relationship between people of different ages worldwide. I completely agree with this view for a whole host of reasons.

First, music has the power to connect people coming from different cultures. It might be explained by the fact that music attracts people through its memorable melody or even strong rhythm, regardless of which languages that the songs were written in. Once listeners has loved the songs, they would be willing to find out the cultural meanings hidden deeply in these works of art. In fact, since 2000s, Korean music industry has successfully created Hallyu wave, which is also known as a rising global popularity of South Korean culture. This wave had a great impact on the young generation, a growing number of youngsters were eager to learn Korean, and chosen Korea to study oversea.

Second, music sets no limit on ages. Clearly, people aged differently have various ways to enjoy music. For example, listeners in their fifties would be able to comprehend the loneliness hidden in a song, however, younger men could find the joy of being a lonely person that composer expressed in his or her music. Different sentiments of a work of art could then be shared between different generations, which is a unique way to bridge the gap between the young and the aged, and to bring people together.

In conclusion, I believe that music is a magical tool that enable people to understand each other, irrespective of their cultures or ages.

P/s: if possible, please help me to check my band score, by the way, i am not really confident with the examples written in the essay, could you help me with examples? Thank you.

GATE 9 / 17 1  
Feb 12, 2020   #2
Its a good writing with some grammatical errors.you can also add today's fusion music ,can be a way to bring together people having different tastes in music.For culture, you can talk about the advancement in technology which has given access to every genre of music to anyone having a simple internet connection. you can cite examples of famous bands of west and also our own musicians like Nusrat Fateh Ali khan,Lata Mangeshkar etc.

Hope this helps
Holt [Contributor] - / 9,067 2739  
Feb 12, 2020   #3
Good work. This type of writing could very well land you within the 6 band score based on the following reasons:

- The TA presentation was pretty good. However, you forgot to indicate the inclusion of culture in a stand alone sentence within the paragraph. The paraphrase should be at least 3 sentences long

- You present good general ideas. What you have to do is learn to limit the ideas you present in the paragraph so that you can explain yourself better in the paragraph. Practice using one topic sentence in a paragraph. One topic sentence at the start, then use 3 sentences to explain the topic. Doing so will help boost the C&C score for the paragraph.

- There is a heavy focus on age in the discussion. A balanced presentation would have used one paragraph for the age discussion and the second one for the culture discussion. Separating the discussion topics per paragraph would have resulted in a more highly developed discussion, resulting in a higher C&C and GRA score.

- The vocabulary you used is simple enough to get your messages across. However, the lack of proficiency in developing the sentence presentations limits your ability to use a good mix of simple and complex sentences. Your vocabulary needs some development though. There are some word usage presentations that do not fit well in the presentation. That should improve as you progress with your language lessons and writing exercises. Increase your sentence composition exercises so that you can increase your GRA score.

Based on these observations, you should have a good idea of what writing areas you need to improve upon. I am confident that you will continue to increase your scores as you progress with your exercises and language proficiency classes.