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The main perspective of Businesses is to Make Money - but is it the only priority?


SarlindaDS_27 5  
Nov 2, 2016   #1
Writing Task II (Page 40 Unit 5)
The purpose of businesses is to make money and they should concentrate only on this.
Do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for you answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience.


Today, business is the one's tool of people earns money, However, as the way for earn money, some people occasionally only make money as a priority of behind the business that he has built. In this case, I disagree with the statements. I think the most important aims of business created is not money but the utilized of the firm in products or services which produced is number one.

I have been seen some examples of business collapsed because of not given customer wants. Due to for reached a lot of benefits the owner has ignored the quality and ultimate useful side of his products or services provided. Sometimes, the owner only focuses on thinking about how much money or maximum profitable that he can produce by his business and being underestimated with the main purpose of business where it must be stay stand up for a long time until the future. This is an example of a businessman who traps of money profitable mindset by his business, just called his as mister X. He has built some laundry service in around of his residence places, he believes that laundry business very appropriate with his neighborhood who always busy or major of an executive that not have too much time for wash their clothes and must need his services. Then, he was briefly to build some counters for his business. However, he has focused on earned maximum incomes in shortly time and then lost his focus on giving excellent services to his customers. At the last, the customers should be move to other places when not satisfied with the services.

Based on the example story above, we can see that when the businessman only focuses on maximum profitable or money priority, he will become greedy for spending their capitals just for one business idea and less thinking about an innovation or strategy for sustain the customers intends to use the service that he provided. On the other hand, there are will be there any competitor in the same core business, and smart marketing skills also innovation more important rather than concerning on money profitable in business. So its conclusion due to those reasons, to sum up, my opinion is opponents with the statements asked.

(372 WORDS)
akbarmappiare 275  
Nov 2, 2016   #2
Hi Sarlinda.

In this moment, I am gonna concentrate on contents of your writing. Before I review your essay deeply, I wanna remember that you have limited time to finish writing task 2 so that you should not write more than 300 words. This is not about the quantity, but the quality of the writing. More you produce the words, more you have the probability to make faults.

Today, business is the one's tool of people earns TO EARN money, ; However, ; as the way for TO earn money,
the firm in products or services which(When you wanna omit the conjunction, you conduct totally) produced is number one.

I have been seen some examples of business collapsed because of not given customer wants

Honestly, I have not got the answer to the question given. I think you displayed the introduction far of the prompts. Please, you make it systematically. First, you have to show your opinion about that. If you agree with the statement, you provide supporting sentences to encourage your view. After that, you give the concession to strengthen yours. Actually, in the body paragraph, it is enough to be included 4 sentences. Your first body paragraph is so crowded, but you passed the prompts.

he will become greedy for spending their capitals

Be careful to mention HE or SHE in the essay. It will seem the discrimination for certain gender.
Generally, the essay consists 4 paragraphs. You should separate the conclusion in the different paragraph with the body.

He has built some laundry service in around ...

it is better if you include the scientific fact in your essay to support your vantage point. You told readers about the person's experience, but they do not know him. It will seem like the layman's opinion. You should order the example of the person well-known.

Hopefully, you can read a large number of examples of essay so that you get the points of the essential elements in the essay.
practice more and more
Good Luck,
^_^
sinahector  
Nov 2, 2016   #3
Hi
...is the people's tool for earning money
as the way for earning money
as a priority of behind the business= it is not clear what you want to say
with the statements
the most important aims
of establishing a business is
is not thefinancial benefits
I have been seen some examples
business collapsed
for not giving what customers want
maximum profitable
some laundry services
in around of his residence place
laundry business is very appropriate for his

First, I think it is better for you to study some examples (in this site ) and then start writing a new essay.

Best wishes
ibe13 9  
Nov 2, 2016   #4
Aloha Sarlinda, here are my thoughts;

(1) Todaythese days , business is the one's tool of people one of people's ways to earns moneymake a living ., However, as the way for earn money,thus, some people occasionally only makebecome money as a priority ...

(make your sentence easy to read but still strong)
(2) In this case, I disagree with the statements. I thinkthis statement because the most important (...) is not only money but also the utilizeduse of the firm in products or services which produced is number one .

(3) I have been seen some examples of business ...[/b]
(in this paragraph, I am hard to understand where your main idea is. This is because you precisely mention your personal experience without introducing what you want to say in this paragraph. I hope you can write this better)

I hope you have any time to edit your essay, keep writing
Anna94 3  
Nov 2, 2016   #5
HELLO, here are my suggestions for you

... one's tool of people [TO] earns money, However, as the way for earn [EARNING ] money, s...

... business collapsed because of [they did not give ] not given customer wants.

... businessman who traps of money profitable mindset by his business,...
... his residence places, he believes [believed>> because you retell the past story ] that laundry business very appropriate with his neighborhood who [are ] always busy or major ...

At the last, the customers should be move[D ] to other places ...

... or strategy for sustain[able ] the customers intends ...
On the other hand, there are will be there any competitor[s ] in the same core ...
... due to those reasons, to sum up > redundant , my opinion is ...

Keep practising and GLUCK:D
ReskiRamadani88 5  
Nov 2, 2016   #6
Hello linda i will give you suggestion:

Be careful your sentence
I have been seen some examples of ...

In the introductory sentence, I know what you opinion, you give good explanation. But for the next description you just focus on "The purpose of businesses is to make money" I think it will be good if the next paragraph you explain about why "they should concentrate only on this situation". And make it conclusion.

Actually, I am little confuse your explanation in paragraph 2


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