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IELTS: Main reason for study; different age groups; employer support


SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Mar 27, 2014   #1
The bar charts give information about the proportion of the main reasons why student, in different age groups, do study and how much employer supports them.

Overall, there is an equality of study purpose showing by student age 40-49 while the inequality proportion in each study purpose is revealed by the four other student groups. However, while the three student groups, from 30 to 49 years old, receive less than a half from all the support from the employers, student at the age under 26 and 26-to-29 years old are supported more than the former.

Turning to the details, the two groups of student receiving 79 and 80 per cent employers support tend to choose career as their study purpose then this tendency follows by 55 percent student age 30-39 on it pursuit of study purpose. However, by 47 per cent employers support helps student over 49 to pursuit their study purpose, the 40-49 student receiving 37 per cent support are likely to study around 40 per cent for career and interest reason.

A more details looked at the bar graph reveals that the proportion of study for interest in numbers is not always similar. The least proportion by 10 percent shows in student under 26. Meanwhile, while student age 26-to-29 shows higher proportion by 12 percent than the former, the 30-to-39 group records more than 20 per cent. However, the over 49 group studying for interest reaches the top notch proportion by 70 percent while 40-to-49 groups coming second by 40 per cent student study for interest purpose.




MisterWandering 18 / 321 130  
Mar 27, 2014   #2
Overall, there is an equality of study purpose showing by student age 40-49 while the inequality proportion in each study purpose is revealed by the four other student groups. However, while the three student groups, from 30 to 49 years old, receive less than a half from all the support from the employers, student at the age under 26 and 26-to-29 years old are supported more than the former.

I feel that the first sentence does not clarify the main trends of the chart. Also, you don't have to give data in the overview paragraph.

Overall, the percentage of people who cite career as their main reason is significantly higher among younger age groups while older age groups study mainly for interest purpose. Likewise, employees under 30 years old receive the highest amount of employer support.

the two groups of student

You should mention the age of these groups.

A more details looked at the bar graph reveals that the proportion of study for interest in numbers is not always similar.

This sentence adds no value to your paragraph.
Here you describe some features of both charts in body 1 and some other features of both in body 2. This makes your flow of ideas and contents somewhat disorganized. I think you should mention the main trends of the first chart in the first body paragraph, and the second body paragraph should be about the trends of the other chart.
OP SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Mar 27, 2014   #3
I feel that the first sentence does not clarify the main trends of the chart. Also, you don't have to give data in the overview paragraph.

. :(

would you correct this, too ?

The bar charts compares student of different ages in term of why they study and whether they are supported by an employer.

Overall, it is clearly that the proportion of student studying for career purposes is far higher among younger age, while the oldest students are more likely to study for interest. However, employer supports are commonly given for younger student.

Turning to the details, both younger groups receives by more than 50 per cent support from employers, these groups record as the two highest supports. Even though the two oldest groups receive less by under 47 per cent than both former groups, this proportion still higher in comparison with student age 30-to-39 who is more self-sufficient in time and fee support.

A more details looked at the bar graph reveals that the proportion of study purposes is not always similar. Coming as the highest by 80 per cent student age under 26 studies for career purpose, this percentage narrows gradually as student get older until only 10 per cent student in the oldest group study out for interest purpose. A contrary movement occurs when the interest come as study purpose. Therefore, while is seen from the overall groups, student age 40-to-49 shows the similar percentage of study purpose.




MisterWandering 18 / 321 130  
Mar 28, 2014   #4
The first bar charts compares students of different ages in terms of why they study and the second chartcompareswhether they are supported by an employer different levels of support from employers.

the proportion of students

However,

However is an inappropriate word. You could use "Also" instead.

both younger groups

You should mention the ages of the groups.

receives by more than 50 per cent

less by under 47 per cent than both former groups

this proportion is still higher

students aged 30-to-39

A more details looked at the bar graph reveals that the proportion of study purposes is not always similar.

This sentence could be removed.

out for of interest purpose

Therefore, while is seen from the overall groups, student age 40-to-49 shows the similar percentage of study purpose.

This sentence is pretty confusing.
OP SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Mar 28, 2014   #5
Thank you in regard for your patience, MisterWandering. Here I try to follow your advices. Hopefully, I made a betterment.

According to the charts, while the proportion of student studying for career is far higher among younger age, oldest groups are more likely to study for interest. Instead, employer supports are commonly given for younger students.

The two highest supports more than 50 percent are received by student under 26 and student aged 26-29. Standing in contrast with two former groups, student aged 40-49 and students over 49 years old are more sufficient that receive lesser by under 45 percent time and fee helps. Therefore, the other group aged 30-39 receiving 32 percent support is noted as the most self-sufficient group.

According to the study reasons, students under 26 record the highest percentage by 80 percent studying for career purpose. However, this proportion declined gradually as student get older to only 20 percent student over 49 years old studying out of interest purpose. The contrary movement occurs when the interest come as student's purpose. Appearing with 10 percent experiencing by student under 26, the trend immensely growth to nearly 70 percent in student over 49.

Interestingly, while the proportion the study purposes on four major groups varied markedly, the student aged 40-49 shows halved proportion on their study purposes.




eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Mar 28, 2014   #6
more sufficient that receive lesser by under 45 percent time and fee helps

you have problems with comparative forms

student aged 40-49

20 percent student over 49

student under 26

student over 49.

You still have problems with the plural forms.

According to the charts,

clearly write 'overall'

Appearing with 10 percent experiencing by student under 26, the trend immensely growth to nearly 70 percent in student over 49.

Incomplete sentence and idea.

Many problems: grammar, vocabulary, sentence, idea. 'Yeah, really!'
Suggestion: Read as many IELTS writings as you can to improve your writing skills. This help you find some ideas and improve your vocabulary and grammar.


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