IELTS TASK2 Essay about main purpose of school and university

Hi everyone, this is my first IELTS essay posted on this forum. Could you please give me some feedbacks on this work? Sincere thanks for your help.

Topic:
Some people think that the main purpose of school and university education should be to prepare people for work. Others, however, think that the true role of education is to make us better citizens.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

It is often argued that school and higher education should play a role in teaching individuals to be ready for careers, while others feel it is more essential to teach students how to be upstanding members of the community. This essay will discuss both these points of view and argue in favor of the latter.

There are several reasons why students need to develop job-related skills and qualifications in schools and colleges. To begin with, if individuals can gain work qualifications before graduating, they will have more opportunities to meet the demand of employers. As a result, pupils are more likely to acquire job offers after graduation, which enables them to earn salaries to support themselves. Furthermore, some professional careers need graduates with work qualifications from universities. Take a doctor as an example, a person must complete a bachelor's degree as well as attend medical school for many years to become a fully qualified doctor.

In contrast, education should not be limited to a strict focus on preparation for work; instead, young individuals should also learn to engage in society. First of all, school is the best place to acquire the concept of citizenship. The reason is that the relationship with classmates and teachers is similar to the interaction with different members of a community. Through learning to interact with classmates, students can easily build relationships with other citizens after graduation, which is benefical to their life when they need guidance. Additionally, assisting students with developing effective citizenship can benefit society in the long term. For instance,

research has shown that youth who are engaged in their communities are less likely to use drugs and alcohol, less likely to drop out of school, and less likely to be involved in criminal behaviour.

In conclusion, although it is undeniable that education should prepare young people for work, I believe educating them how to be active members of society is equally necessary.

Thank you very much!

The prompt restatement is good. There is a good transition presentation from one opinion to the next that keeps the ideas connected, yet seperate just the same. The problem is in the discussion representation. Yes, it represented the both views discussion but, it created an argument as opposed to the personal opinion of the writer. The latter being the actual prompt discussion instruction.

The general discussion representation lacks the use of 3rd person group pronouns representative of the point of view being discussed. Thus offering the idea that the writer disobeyed the instructions by writing based on personal insight alone. In fact both discussions reflect the personal sentiment of the writer rather than explanations as to why there are differing points of view. This essay doesn't represent the discussions properly.

I am afraid that the promise the winter showed in the topic estatement was lost when it came to the actual discussion format. This presentation will not work to the benefit of the student in the actual test.

I appreciate the idea of your essay. It's very clear that i can follow your train of thought .However, in the 3rd passage, i think you should give the reasons why others agree with their idea first instead of giving your own idea.