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Those who make the room clean and dirty are more successful in the future.


Prisunny 1 / -  
Jun 16, 2012   #1
I'm preparing for TOEFL ibt. I'd be really appreciate if someone could help to correct it.~:)
For the time being, an increasing number of parents become worry about the future of the children cause they take care about each details of the children. In the meantime, whether the kids should form a good habits to keep their room clean is the significant if they will become successful in futrue receives a widespread concern. Speak for my own, I am totally agree with this opinion.

To begin with, to make owns room clean is an awesome habit to demonstrate that person cares details which is an important part of being success. A man who is always going to onsidered about each and every aspect of things which means their products would be better than others. Just like the old saying says that "How chould a man regulate the country if he could not put his own room in order." In this case, the habit that make the room clean is not only a good for us, but also an essential point to become more successful.

In addition, the reason why the one whose room is tidy have more chance to be successful lies in that keep a room clean and tidy exhabited this person are more patient than others. Altough the case might be rare, it does occur occasionally. A case related to that my uncle, Jeremy, who is a very successful business man and a always-clean house. He will never lose his patience when my cousin and I ask him questions repeatly and explain each and every aspects of the topic to us which made me respected him from my heart. To put it in another way, a man who could keep their room tidy must have the patient to do their work perfect.

Although the meaning of success may be different in each individuals.As far as I am concerned, no matter what kind of life you want to have in the future, a habits like make your own room clean and tidy is good for you whole life with no doubt. At least it can let other people have a good impact for you which might means you chould have more opportunity than others.

To sum up, it is indisputable that a person who could make the room clean and tidy indeed have more chance to become a succeddful man.

dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Jun 16, 2012   #2
What is the task prompt? It helps us giving you our comments and feedback :)
ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jun 16, 2012   #3
Hi, just some suggestions about the introduction:

For the time being, an increasingAs time passes the number of parents becoming worry about the future of their children rises up cause they increasingly pay more attention totake care about each details of the children in more details. (What do u mean about this term "details of children") . In the meantime, whether the kids should form a good habits to keep their room clean is thea significant issueif they will become successful in futrue receives a widespread concern(this sentence is really confusing. I could not get the main point of it) . Speak for my own, I am totally agree with this opinion (why do you agree with that? give the reasons briefly.) The introduction, is a little long. Be to the point. .

Regards
Ahmad


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