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IELTS: Making an ideal society (opinions and solutions)

Scientiana 12 / 43 10  
Apr 8, 2011   #1
All feedback is welcomed. Also, please help me to improve the vocabulary that I used in this writing so as to make them more formal.

Topic: People often think about creating an ideal society, but most of the times fail in making this happen. What is your opinion about an ideal society? How can we create an ideal society?

Society is a community of people who have the same customs, laws and cultures. For many years, creating a perfect society has been a wish of everyone all over the world, but it is a very difficult task to do.

In my opinion, I believe an ideal society has many aspects. The first point that makes a perfect society is peace. Actually, in a country where there is no conflict or disagreement people generally live contently. Another factor is good security system. If there are no crimes such as murder, burglary, arson, robbery and fraud in a society, people will not need to live in fear. In addition, good security system will attract more investors, which helps to improve the country's economy. Moreover, a perfect society must consist of sociable and kind people, who help and support each other when they are in some kinds of terrible situations.

In order to create an ideal community, there are a number of things to do. Firstly, those who live in society have to get on well with each other. If there is an argument, they have to settle it by having a peaceful talk or discussion, so as to avoid conflict. Additionally, every person must obey laws and rules, which were created by the government. Furthermore, everyone in society should get to know each other and learn to forgive and forget. For instance, if a person does something wrong, other people in the community have to correct that person's mistake by telling him or her with kind words. Also, solidarity within a country is significant because it can lead people to success in doing everything.

To conclude with, an ideal society has abundant factors. In my point of view, I think making a perfect society is extremely hard. However, if all things mentioned above are put into action, I am certain that an ideal society will be successfully made.

Lily Rose 5 / 16  
Apr 8, 2011   #2
If you use the word "firstly", then you should use "secondly" instead of "additionally".

If you mean that two or more people share something, that something of them is same, "the same value" "the same principle" "same culture" etc., usually the word "value" "principle" "culture" don't add an "s" at the ending because you mean the exactly same thing.

Your essay is good. Don't worry about your vocabulary. It's not that informal as you think. You have made your points clearly, and your essay is understandable, which means that your grammar and vocabulary is quite good with only some small mistakes.
OP Scientiana 12 / 43 10  
Apr 8, 2011   #3
Thank you very much, Lilly Rose, for your valuable feedback.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,324 129  
Apr 10, 2011   #4
Awesome, Rose, you are so nice to spend a lot of time helping with this!

I guess I have to disagree about one idea, though: I think the word "customs" works well there in the beginning, and it is also okay to say people in the same society have the same laws. It seems okay to me. :-)

I'll add something to this sentence, too:
Another factor is the need for a good security system.

In addition, a good security...

This sentence is correct, but it is even better without "doing"---> Also, solidarity within a country is significant because it can lead people to success in doing everything.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,324 129  
Apr 10, 2011   #5
Hello again, Annika, I just wanted to tell you that I think you are helping more people that anyone recently. Please visit this page. essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

We are lucky to have you here!

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