Could anyone read and give me some comment on my following essay?
Nowadays, the demand of people more increase with every passing day . Someboby is pull folow material so they work hard to buy things . This has made our lives generally more comfortable but many traditional values and custom have been lost . In my opinion , it is not a good way to make our life better .
In morden lifestyles , what the people think is that materials so important . However thay forget that our life is also some spirit values to balance .If everybody just work hard to earn money day by day and don't care about traditional values or custom , it is synonymous with their life become nonsensical .
The hightly valuable traditional and custom are symbol for country . Moreover it is pride of the Vietnamese race is imparted for later generations to remind their always maintain and develop the nation's tradition . That is a reason why we frequently celebrate Tet holiday or Death anniversary of Hung King .
In addition to , the nation 's tradition help us introduce to friends on over the world about home country and Vietnamese . Therefore the foreigner will visit our country more and bring many advantures cooperate in business to develop country .
In general , even though the life is so busy and the people try to make their life more comfortable , a responsibility of everyone is protect and bring into play the nation's tradition . If they have been lost it , so a pity .
Thank you very much!
In general, your English is good, although sometimes awkward, as is to be expected at this stage of your learning process. There is only one sentence that I do not understand at all: "Someboby is pull folow material so they work hard to buy things."
As I understand your essay, you are arguing that materialism makes people neglect important cultural values and practices. People focus on earning money to buy more and more things. While these things do make life easier in some ways, materialism itself impoverishes people and their communities culturally.
Editing your first sentence with that thesis in mind:
Nowadays, people demand of people more material goods with every passing day.
Editing your second paragraph with that thesis in mind:
In modern lifestyles,what the people think is that material goods are so important. However they forget to balance spiritual values. If everybody just works hard to earn money day by day and nobody cares about traditional values or customs,it is synonymous with their lives become nonsensical.
(I'm glad that you know what "is synonymous with" means, but that phrase was awkward in that sentence.)
I'll let others jump in with suggestions or corrections for subsequent paragraphs.
You need also to deal more in specifics. You mention "Tet holiday or Death anniversary of Hung King" and the importance of national pride, but you don't explain how materialism is hindering or preventing people from celebrating these holidays or from feeling national pride. Presumably, one can work hard on regular work days, live a comfortable lifestyle, yet still feel a strong sense of national pride and celebrate national holidays. So, you have asserted that materialism causes people to neglect spiritual values, but you have provided no evidence to back up your claim. To improve your essay, you need to either explain the example you have more strongly, or come up with different examples, or both.
Thank you so much. It's such an amazing website.
Yes, yes it is. :-) Feel free to post a revised draft here for more feedback.
