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How many male and female Alumni in Canada? IELTS TASK 1

NinaJoesuf25 36 / 66 4  
Nov 12, 2016   #1
A breakdown of the information about how many male and female learners graduating in Canada, a period of 15 years, started in 1992 is shown in the line chart. Overall, it is really important to bear in mind that the female proportion broke the record as the highest one over the timeframe. What's more, both figures performed as similar pattern.

By 1992, the number of female graduates in Canada had roughly been 100,000 which was significantly popular than other. In 1998, the figure for female graduates went up steadily to the same level after slightly increase in year before. By contrast, the male Canadian learners graduating numbered just 70,000 in the beginning of this year. It then remained relatively stable at roughly 70,000 in 1998.

According to the graph, after a slight decrease in 1998, the figure for female graduating in Canadian reached a peak of almost 150.000. However, apart from a brief decline again in 1998, the number of Canadian male graduates increases gradually over the 10 year timescale to finish at just under 100,000.

nda18 46 / 81 9  
Nov 13, 2016   #2
hi nina, these are my thought towards your essay

1. ...graduating in Canada,for a period of 15 years...
[it would be better if you write 'for a ... period' ]
2. What'swhat is more, both figures performed asa similar pattern.
[ it is better to avoid what's or don't / can't and write 'what is' 'do not' 'cannot' instead ]
3. the figure for female graduates went up steadilyto the same levelAS (WHEN) after slightly increase...
[ it is really went up ? i don't quite understand, 'it went up to the same level' ]
4. the beginning of thisthe year.

thankyou and good luck
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Nov 17, 2016   #3
Nina, apart from the above-mentioned feedback related to grammatical range and accuracy, I might say that this essay is well-written and well-developed. You have successfully mentioned all the necessary information that should be presented. One thing that is unfortunate is that you have some repetitive words that can lower your lexical resource score. The usage of "increase and decrease" seems so repetitive. You can just alter them by using "growth/rise/many other synonyms" that are possible .

Also, your writing is quite predictable. Most of them were in active forms. You are suggested to vary your sentence structure in order to reach band 6 or above. If you take a closer look on IELTS writing task 1 band descriptors, you will see "uses variety of complex structures, produces frequent error-free structures, has good control of grammar and punctuation but may make a few errors". Those are the necessary points that you need to reach in order to boost your final grade in IELTS writing, particularly task 1.
Nyy123 2 / 2  
Nov 17, 2016   #4
I think it would be better if started with "The graph describles/shows/reveals..."
alfinkurnia 33 / 47  
Nov 17, 2016   #5
Hello this is my correction for you, feel free to correction me too..

The graph ilustrates the information about how many male and female who graduate from university in in Canada , a period of 15 years...

In 1992, the number of female graduated in Canada had roughly ...

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