Hi!
I just joined this website in hopes of getting some help on this essay. I'm absolutely stuck on it! It's supposed to be VERY pathos-based, as it is not an argument essay (which is more logos-based?) I'm struggling a bit with the emotional aspect of this, and I was wondering if you guys had any tips or revisions you could make on it. I'm not all the way finished but here's what I have so far.
Grease-covered pizza and calorie-packed hamburgers stare you down as you walk up the lunch lines. These malicious yet popular food items overwhelmingly occupy the cafeteria. Kid after kid, table after table, Canyon Crest students are innocently eating these meals with absolutely no idea of what they're ingesting. To easily solve this problem, we must eradicate from our cafeteria this junk food horror.
Though these seemingly delicious food items hold a high rank in the cafeteria food hierarchy, their intentions are bad. Like a villainous monarch, the junk food of our school has power over ones who have a lower status, such as the healthier choices offered. This monarch gained power through voters: the lunch item consumers. Why would these voters want such a powerful tyrant? What did the dictator have that the voters desired? What they hungered for was the source of the ruler's power: salt, sugar, and fat. Addicting yet detrimental to your health, these three power sources are the chink in the armor of healthy food and what keeps them from gaining the power they need.
We can do it, I tell you, we can do it! The Goliath of cafeteria food can, and will, be conquered. How? Through complete extermination. Oblivious to the deleterious effects of the unhealthy cafeteria food, students blindly consume it. One may say that it's the consumer's choice on what they want to eat; though, it's the supplier's responsibility to provide the consumer with nutritious choices.
Obviously I've got a long way to go, but I feel like it's so choppy! Also, I need to think of more reasons why only healthy food should be offered. I've come up with these and the fact that teenagers will always eat what's easily available (aka what the cafeteria is serving), that it's the school's responsibility to not only give an education on the typical "school subjects" but how to eat healthy as well (which healthy cafeteria food would serve as a good example to the students)
If you're looking for emotion, just think about all of the kids suffering with weight problems and negative body image.
Or the shame of the kids when they don't know how to eat anything but what's bad for them, and the disgust of others who have to put up with their eating habits. As for the writing itself, we'll talk when you have something finished.
Thank you so so much. I'll edit my post when I'm finished with my essay. You really helped me out! Something clicked in my brain and my writers block has been cured. Thanks again!
AP Language and Composition Persuasive Essay
I definitely need help with flow in my writing. Is there anything I should fix? I just need someone to read it through and edit it/give me an opinion on what they think of it,
Thanks!
Dripping with grease and packed with calories, the hamburgers and pizza of Canyon Crest's cafeteria glare at you as you walk up the lunch lines. These malicious yet popular food items overwhelmingly occupy the cafeteria. Kid after kid, table after table, Canyon Crest students are innocently eating these items with absolutely no idea of the unhealthy ingredients they are ingesting. To easily solve this problem, we must eradicate from our cafeteria this junk food horror.
Though these seemingly delicious food items hold a high rank in the cafeteria food hierarchy, their intentions are bad. Like a villainous monarch, the junk food of our school has power over ones who have a lower status, such as the healthier choices offered. This monarch gained power through voters: the lunch item consumers. Why would these voters want such a powerful tyrant? What did the dictator have that the voters desired? What they hungered for was the source of the ruler's power: salt, sugar, and fat. Addicting yet detrimental to your health, these three power sources are the chink in the armor of healthy food and what keeps them from gaining the power they need.
We can do it, I tell you, we can do it! The Goliath of cafeteria food can, and will, be conquered. How? Through complete extermination. Oblivious to the deleterious effects of the unhealthy cafeteria food, students blindly consume it. One may say that it's the consumer's choice on what they want to eat; though, it's the supplier's responsibility to provide the consumer with nutritious choices.
With the tough balance of school and a social life, high schoolers already have enough stress in their life, and food should not be one of them. In our society, many people, especially teenagers, struggle with self-image. Striving to look a certain way, teens resort to eating disorders. Starving yourself or forcing yourself to throw up is absolutely not the right way to deal with this. Eating healthy foods make you feel better about yourself, both mentally and physically. The hypocrisy of our school is causing an unmitigated negative effect on our students. We teach them to eat healthy, yet provide them with downright disgusting, unhealthy food. This needs to be solved at once!
Child obesity runs rampant through the United States, and our community is no exception. These kids grow up with junk food at their fingertips and no conception of what healthy eating is. The kids are not to blame. Point the finger at the parents of these now 14 to 17 year olds who have developed awful eating habits. Innocently consuming from the substantial selection of greasy and fatty foods Canyon Crest provides, these students take in unnecessary calories and fat. Also, these eating habits will stay with the rest of their lives unless they fix it. Without a proper example, they won't change their ways. If we provide only healthy foods, this junk food mindset will change and make the students develop a taste for nutritious meals.
Not only would it change their eating habits, but also provide them with greater energy and stamina that only healthy food can produce. The mental stamina that accompanies these healthy meals would result in more attention in classes. No more snoozing students, no more blank stares.
I am also stuck on how to conclude this. Any suggestions?
"These malicious yet popular food items overwhelmingly occupy the cafeteria." I would change that.. it's the right idea, but it doesn't sound right, if you know what I mean. Maybe something like "It seems as if you cannot escape these infamously popular food choices in an average high school cafeteria."
"To easily solve this problem, we must eradicate from our cafeteria this junk food horror." Again.. good idea, but doesn't really flow. "The only solution to this junk food nightmare is to eradicate these options from our cafeteria once and for all."
"Like a villainous monarch, the junk food of our school has power over ones who have a lower status, such as the healthier choices offered." ..try something like "These items are like a heart attack waiting to happen. The junk food offered in our school has power over smarter, yet more unpopular choices." Be creative. Keep revising. You're on the right track! Good luck!
