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The map compares the structure of university sports center at the present and after the innovation


Johnlee94 2 / 3 1  
Sep 26, 2018   #1

Cambridge 13 - test 4 - writing part 1



I wrote the below essay under exam conditions, please help give me your comments!. Thanks a lot.

The map compares the structure of university sports center at the present and after the innovation in the future. In general, the center will be expanded and re-built with more rooms and facilities while the central 25m pool remains the same.

To the left of the central pool, the outdoor courts is planned to be replaced by a leisure pool which is connected with a changing room in the south. A sports shop will be also erected on the left of the changing room besides the reception area.

Around the central pool the reception, the changing room and seating one will be unchanged except the gym room will be doubled in size. To the eastern side of seating area, the outdoor courts will be replaced by two dance studios and a sports hall. With a similar arrangment with the western side of the reception, on the eastern size a café shop and a changing room will be also constructed oppositely.



Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,252 3656  
Sep 27, 2018   #2
Le, this 4 paragraph essay should have been presented in the following manner:

1. Summary overview with trending statement
2. Present description
3. Future Plans
4. Comparative changes

it is because you did not do a proper present description paragraph then the complete future changes plans before presenting the comparative changes that your essay fell short of the 4 paragraph format. Why the 4 paragraph format? As you can see from the outline I created above, the highest scoring potential for your essay will only come if you actually complete the instructions provided which are: Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. By using the above outline you would have been able to properly accomplish the task.

That is the reason why even though you wrote 161 words, the descriptive essay is still lacking some important presentations. You only succeeded in describing the drawing, but not really analyzing the presentation for descriptive purposes.


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