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"Mark." - a story research

amrosca 4 / 130  
Jun 21, 2011   #1
Hei there everyone!
I would really appreciate it if I could get some criticism on this story, because I truly love this way of writing and I would like to improve. Please, please be brutal. Thank you for reading! :3

If you would ask about what happened, I'd say, I cannot remember precisely.

Ever since he was a kid, Mark has been an asshole. He was the kind of child you'd rather slap than try to reason with. From biting others to swearing, to throwing potatoes at cars and bullying Peggy, he had done it all. He loved to set things on fire. Now, you might expect to hear that his parents didn't accord him enough attention. On the contrary, I tend to believe that it was too much attention that turned him into the obnoxious freak I knew. He had traveled the world and -although it's hard for me to admit- Mark was good with the ladies, for no reason really. He loved to wear bright yellow jackets even though they had been out of fashion for years. From time to time he would consider talking quietly, but usually he'd shout his lungs out. I almost forgot to mention that he was in fact my only friend.

"Looking sharp, ay?"
I used to greet him from afar, this way he got the chance of changing his lines so I wouldn't hear the same answers again and again.

"Trying my best", he murmured. For the first time in a long while, I could witness Mark being nervous. After a brief handshake he stopped to search for his cigarettes.

"Say", he continued while he kept looking, "do you have the invitation at hand?"
"We are indeed late", I assured him.
He was now chewing on the filter while soaking the wet smoke into his lungs. The mist seemed to have taken over the town.
"Why did the bitch have to build her mansion on top of the hill? God-damn it!" Without waiting for my response, Mark started climbing the stairs leading to his

aunt's residence.

I was right behind him, staring intently at his white tuxedo. The jacket was shorter than usual, revealing his firm derriere.
It was he who broke the silence: "I don't even know what the bloody hell I'm doing here."
He had spotted a bench and decided to stop.
"I won't see a penny of her money until I've married."
He coughed and spit on the ground between his feet.
"Don't sit down", he commanded, a smirk on his soft lips, "You'll get dirty!"
I couldn't help but recreate his smile.
"Let's go!"

"You know, marriage ain't so bad."
Mark started to play with the rose bushes that were invading the stairs, gently hitting them as he walked by.
"Says who? The happy husband of the year?"
I couldn't help but notice his derisive tone.
"Why won't you?"
"Why won't I what?"
In an instant he stopped and turned in my direction. He was standing a little higher than me.
"Who would you recommend?" he demanded, his breath, a hot whirl of air and spit, hitting my forehead.
I waited a couple of seconds for him to loosen up while I fixed his hair.
"Think about it", I added, stroking his face with the back of my hand.

Mark stepped back.
"O, boy!"
He turned away. Then he laughed. Then he looked back at me. Laughing.
"So what do you call yourself?"
I let my head slightly hang to a side.
"You like 'em wieners, don't ya?"
"That's not w-what I meant", I stuttered.
He pinched my check, keeping a stupid smile on his face.
"You don't like my attitude, I see", he added seriously without however changing his position, "Well, I won't bend for you."

"That's not what I meant!"
"But what's a girl to do?"
I pushed him back, however he barely lost his balance. His snicker persisted. I watched with the corner of my eye how he turned around and buoyantly jumped over some stairs. I couldn't see his face, but I supposed he was rubbing his nose. He inhaled twice and then decided to sit.

"Boy", -he had put a faded smile on-, "who would have guessed."
I avoided making eye contact.
"You sissy!"
Then I automatically looked towards him. A street lamp stood in the way. Behind the metal pillar I saw him staring at me disgusted. Decided to put an end to this moment, I waked up to him.

"Getting ... impatient, are we?"
He exaggerated every syllable the way all cheap whores would in order to appear more sensual.
"I'm not queer."
He looked away.
"I'm not queer", I calmly repeated putting my hand on his shoulder.
"You are!" he shouted pulling my hand away from him and sitting up. His other hand, now rolled to a fist was aiming for my face. I rapidly hid in a squat, almost falling on the ground. I must have remained like that for a while until a hush of air whispered to my ear.

"Yes, my friend, you're gay."
And there was the laugh again. That laugh I despised. That laugh ... I hated that laugh. I crept out of my carnal shelter and started guessing where he might be. Without really knowing I threw my elbow back hitting Mark in the nadgers. He crashed on the pavement growling hitting his head somewhere in between. Through the misty air, I saw he was hurt. I climbed some stairs up and slammed my foot in his stomach once. He started to cry. Twice.

Every time I hit again he would twitch from side to side.
"You sissy!"
This time he moved so much that he slipped on the stairs. He started rolling quickly down the hill. Afraid of letting my game escape, I ran after him or his body -I couldn't care less if he was dead or alive. It was unbelievable how the bulk of meet was cracking when hitting a stone in its way. I freed the victorious laugh that was pounding between my teeth. I don't know how long I ran like this. However, when I almost reached him, I stumbled, landing on his torso. I rested for a while, the smile still on my lips. I could feel his wet shirt pressing against my chest. I felt no pulse. The pain started to creep back into me while as I stood up. The sour taste of mud and blood filled my mouth.

I walked my way back to the stairs.

"Oh my goodness, George! I thought Mark was lying when he said you were here!"
"He made us wait on this cold bench until you would return."
"Mark doesn't lie, ladies! I told you he'd be back. Shall we now, George?"

With two ladies on his hands, Mark was climbing along the tidy path. I followed obediently letting the blood turn to acid on my tongue.

EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Jun 21, 2011   #2
If you would ask about what happened, I'd say, I cannot remember precisely.

I'd kill one of the commas:
If you would ask about what happened, I'd say I cannot remember precisely.
And I guess the tense should change...
If you ask about what happened, I'll say I cannot remember precisely.

He was the kind of child you'd rather slap than try to reason with. ---nice!!

I think the hyphen drains the power:
God-damn it!"
Goddamn it." ---I guess the exclamation mark did not seem right to me, either.
Yeah, so for what it's worth... I write it as one word with no hyphen.

... a smirk on his soft lips,---I think the adjective did not work there.

His head hit the ground making no sound. --making no sound! Wow, good job there... I mean with the detail. That is good writing.

Through the misty air, I saw he was hurt. I climbed some stairs up and slammed my foot heel in his stomach. ---My favorite part. It really surprised me. The first sentence makes me think you are going to help him.

I followed obediently, letting the blood turn to acid on my tongue.

Cool, Ana, we are lucky to have you!
OP amrosca 4 / 130  
Jun 21, 2011   #3
Hei Susan! :D Thanks so much for your comments they have been helpful.

In Romania, we do not have creative writing classes. Damn, would you like us to gain knowledge and hence have a chance at a better life? The Spanish need someone to pick their strawberries and the streets in Rome need to be swept. Geez, be more considerate! ...

Well, yellow really describes a detestable person, but I was hoping it would also indicate when this was happening. Bright cloured jackets were a huge trend in the 20s, so this story happens around 1930-1935 when the military, very somber style was starting to become popular ... but nevermind XD

I know dialogue can get confusing when written that way, but ... i just got used to writing it that way. So here is my new version! I left Peggy be ... no offense meant to any Peggy reading this, but the name is so awful it says everything -that was rude, sorry.

If you would ask about what happened, I'd say, I cannot remember precisely.
OP amrosca 4 / 130  
Jun 22, 2011   #4
Ah, damn! Sorry, I didn't see your comment Kevin. We posted at the same time. Ok ... I killed most of the parts you liked ... mhm ... nah, I won't write it again.

Um, however ... I can't see how you would slam your heel in someone's stomach. You would usually hit with the side your shoelaces are on. In movies, they always do so that's why the guy who is getting hurt is slightly lifted off the ground. It would be more useful to use the heel for more damage, but when you just want to make someone suffer you don't think so you just hit however you manage.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Jun 25, 2011   #5
Advanced Writing Strategy for Ana: Rapid induction with detail; iambic rhythm

You would usually hit with the side your shoelaces are on.

Are you talking about, like, a roundhouse kick? That's cool, too... well, this is a forum for writing advice, not combat advice, but I'll mention that the best way to do a lot of damage is to maximize the pounds-per-square-inch or whatever... like, instead of hitting with the "fist" you can hit with one knuckle.

Well... I pictured you doing a kind of stomp kick with your heel. After he was already on the ground...

But I suggested heel not as a way of helping you injure your opponents, but instead as a way of adding detail. You hypnotize the reader with the detail. Google this: rapid induction

You can hypnotize someone with details... readers love to be hypnotized. The trick is to give as much detail as possible in the fewest words possible. That's like kicking the reader in the stomach.

Maybe "Shilit" should have a period, not an exclamation mark. It's the sudden stillness after the action.

Cool story...

Every time I hit again he would twitch from side to side.

Iambic rhythm:
Every time I hit again he twitched from side to side.

Don't take any of these ideas too seriously... I'm not a better writer than you. Just sharing ideas. I'll give you some homework, though: Please do some internet research and get back to me sometime with a list of the 5 most interesting strategies you learn, actual strategies you can use in speech or writing... from Erickson Hypnosis and/or neurolinguistic programming (NLP). You are ready for the advanced stuff... :-)

Hint: matching & mirroring, pacing & leading, embedded commands
OP amrosca 4 / 130  
Jun 27, 2011   #6
Wow ... this sounds quite complicated, but I'll give it a try.
Thanks for the advice, Kevin! I'll do my homework :D
ajit88rai 22 / 188 3  
Jun 29, 2011   #7
Hi Ana,

I have been following ur posts and threads for quite sometime and I feel that u deserve the compliments...please continue the good work n always be in touch with EF...I have already thought of seeking your help for writing my SOPs and other docs for my post graduation admissions in coming months... ur writing is really damn interesting..i would suggest u an indian youth writer -Chetan Bhagat-do google about him and read his four novels... his way of writing is quite similar to yours and i really think his wide knowledge will be much more than help for u..

thanks for being a part of EF...


"Everybody wants happiness
nobody wants pain
but you can't have a
without a little rain"
OP amrosca 4 / 130  
Jun 29, 2011   #8
Hei Ajit! :D

First of all, thank you! I'll sound like a bot since I've been saying this to every person here lately, but you're sweet! I'll be definitely hanging around, so I'll gladly help you if you'll need it. :)

Regarding that author, I will go buy one of his novels. The film adaptation of "Five Point Someone" has been on my movie list for ages now. Thanks for the suggestion!

Cheers! :3
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Jun 29, 2011   #9
Awesome! That reminded me of a quote I heard in a Stephen Seagal action film when I was a teenager ---" Everybody wan' go heaven; nobody wan' die..."
ajit88rai 22 / 188 3  
Jun 29, 2011   #10
Hey Ana,
ur way of saying "hei" is german i think... maybe its a european way. anyways i m not sure if u will find the dubbed version of the mentioned movie on internet. However, on youtube u can find it with english subtitles.But i would say that the novels are much better than the movie... his way of writing is full of humour-sarcasm- n i can bet u will love his writings. Would u like to share with me your secret -how u developed such a cool way of writing? lol do tell n btw Kevin- I love this website so much and i love the quotes... i hope to continue my initiative and some people on who's post i have replied have already started liking my quotes... :))
iloveyou 5 / 12  
Jun 30, 2011   #11
I am weak at marking
Just hope we can hardworking together
OP amrosca 4 / 130  
Jun 30, 2011   #12
Haha! Ajit, I like to believe that my "hei" unique is. The first reason I say "hei" and not "hey" is because in Romanian we do not use "y". Only if there are some foreign words or something, but other than that this letter appears quite rarely. The second reason is that "hei" looks like it's smiling and it matches the shy way I pronounce it: it's a silent, sometimes high pitched "hei" with a very short "e" and an "i" you don't really hear.

I personally don't like dubbed movies. I hate to see the mouth moving in a way and the words sounding completely different than they should. And I do intend to buy one of Chetan's books as soon as I can. :D

And thanks again for complementing my writing, however I don't know if it's that cool. And to be honest, there is no secret really. I just write down what I think.

Oh! Other than that, I do recommend you to read "Letters to a young novelist" by Mario Vargas Llosa. I finished reading it a couple of days ago. It's obvious stuff this guy writes about, but you usually overlook it when you write (and even read) something. The book consists in letters from Llosa to a certain someone who wants to become a novelist. And he talks about different elements of a novel, but I think you can apply it to any kind of writing really. And it's very interesting how he finishes the book. After all the advice he's given he concludes the correspondence by saying:

"Dear friend: what I'm trying to tell you is to quickly forget everything you read in my letters about the structure of a novel and start writing one already. Good luck."
ajit88rai 22 / 188 3  
Jun 30, 2011   #13
Hahaha thanks a tonne Ana- I have tonnes Of excitement throughout my life to write a novel-lol - so maybe i can be a novelist once i achieve my mechanical engineering goals----btw ur "hei" is common for me coz i hav a couple of frns who r from Germany n. they keep saying HEI to me... can i find the Ebook for the Book u told me-i dnt know if i can find it in my city-but i will look for it- moreover u know ur way of writing striked me coz i hav read certain stories -(its not ok to disclose the real location of those stories here )-which were totally captivating-n thanks a tonne- keep in touch ms.hei :D
OP amrosca 4 / 130  
Jul 1, 2011   #14
I'm sure there's an Ebook version out there, I haven't checked however.
I'll see you around! :D
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Jul 2, 2011   #15
I am weak at marking

Hei Edward! That's okay... people quickly improve their skill when they practice together here. I hope you always read the sentences aloud, forming the words with your mouth so that the brain gets a full experience of the correct grammar.

Speak each sentence when you know the grammar is correct, and you will be reprogramming the brain in the necessary way.

I like your username!! It spreads good feelings.

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