Unanswered [8] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

Marshalls made me realize how sine qua non a higher education is


Blaqnsassy 2 / 2  
Feb 19, 2010   #1
This is my narrative for my Eng Class... I jus wanted to get some revisions if I need them. And fix any punctuation errors.

"Nicciy, to the service desk for a price check," chimed a voice over the intercom. Rolling my eyes, Ugh! -Again? I thought to myself. It was a regular day at Marshalls. Customers came in like tidal waves, the entire store looked like it had gotten hit by a hurricane, and I, as usual, was trying to juggle all of my responsibilities for the night without losing my mind. I wondered to myself how the people I worked with that had been employed at Marshalls longer than I had managed to continue working here all these years. Marshalls had truly made me realize how sine qua non a college education is.

Sitting in the break room motionless with my feet up, I stared at the clock. I had only been working for a few hours and I was already ready to call it a night. Looking around the break room I noticed a pen on the table. Tearing off a small amount of paper towel from the dispenser I began to calculate my hours for the week. Dissatisfied with the outcome, I crumbled the little piece of paper and flicked it off the table in disgust. Looking off into the distance I couldn't help but think about everything I've been through working here: all the rude customers, the high stress levels you deal with, living up to all of management's expectations, and lazy associates that don't do their job. It just didn't seem worth it for the little bit you got paid. Thanking God for the fact that this was just a job for me and not a career I knew college was my only way out.

Putting back on my name tag, I returned back to my department to see what the damage was. Yep! Clothes decorated the floor while the hangers on the racks stuck out like chicken wings poking me in the arm as I walked down the aisle. Bending down to pick up a left shoe that had found its way half way across the store I heard a voice say my name. I looked up to see an old co-worker from 2008 staring down at me. After exchanging hugs and hellos, she asked me if I was still attending Brandon High School. Proud of the fact that I had graduated in July 2009, I happily told her I was enrolled in college now. At that moment, my supervisor walked by chuckling to himself. "What's funny?" I asked. Glaring at me with a smirk on his face, "Well..." he began, "even though you going to college you'll be right back here in 3 years." Looking at him like he had officially lost his mind, I was even more shocked to hear my old co-worker not hesitate to agree adding that the most I'd be was a manager at Marshalls. Needless to say, I was hurt and angry enough to curse them both out. I couldn't do it though. Instead I pitied them. One was a high school drop-out while the other never even went to college. I already knew I wasn't going to end up like that. Giving up because of some criticism wasn't going to stop me from pursuing my dreams. There was no future here at Marshalls. College was going to take me above and beyond.

Closing time arrived faster than expected. The store wasn't perfect but it was decent. Everyone was too anxious to leave to worry about anything else that was out of place. After clocking out and grabbing our belongings we all exited the building yelling goodbyes to one another. Hopping in the car and greeting my mom with a half smile she asked how work was. "Same old same old", I replied dryly. I watched the blue and white Marshalls sign grow smaller as we drove off into the distance in the side mirror. I was convinced Marshalls was teaching me about the importance of a higher education. All the criticism and the feeling of being overworked and underpaid was just my motivation and the reasons why I knew I had to be more than the Average Joe. My mom always told me actions speak louder than words. I made up in my mind my college degree was going to do the talking for me and in three years Marshalls was going to be just one more thing of the past.

meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Feb 19, 2010   #2
I really like your first paragraph :] great intro

the high stress levels you deal with,

I* dealt with.. another thing here, you go from past to present. fix? next sentence, again with the you to I*

Thanking Godfor the fact that this was just a job for me and not a career<comma>I knew college was my only way out.

Looking at him like he had officially lost his mind, I was even more shocked to hear my old co-worker not hesitate to agreeadding that the most I'd be was a manager at Marshalls.

and even add*

while the other never even went to college.

and the other had* never even gone...sounds a bit better

College was going to take me above and beyond.

I like your spirit~

I was convinced Marshalls was teaching me about the importance of a higher education.

convinced that my experience at*...

All the criticism and the feelings of being overworked and underpaid was just my motivationmotivated meand the reasons why I knew I had to be more than the Average Joe.

average* is that supposed to be caps?

I made up in my mind my college degree was going to do the talking for me and in three years Marshalls was going to be just one more thing of the past.

in my mind that* a college... (what do you mean here?) while it continues the overall tone of the previous paragraphs, maybe consider ending on a lighter note? not dissing the experience as a one of insignificance, but one that was a motivation to move on.

I enjoyed reading this. good luck to wherever you apply. another thing, I had to search for sine qua non in a dictionary. haha. very interesting essay
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Feb 20, 2010   #3
Jonathan, you are a hero. Thanks for helping so many people lately.

I see what the problem is with this part:
I made up my mind to ensure that my college degree was going to do the talking for me -- and that in three years Marshalls was going to be just one more thing of the past.

It does seem a little harsh. Nobody likes working in retail, but on a deeper level, cherish your experiences! Maybe end with something that has the enthusiasm but not the scorn for the employer. :-)


Home / Writing Feedback / Marshalls made me realize how sine qua non a higher education is