Please show me any mistakes, make some comments and give band score of my essay.
Some people prefer to stay in the same type of work all their life, and others prefer to change their jobs from time to time. Discuss both sides and states your own opinion.
different careers during the lifetime
Individuals have different views about the number of careers they work in their life. Personally, I think choosing one suitable job is better because it brings long-term benefits, while people who alter job sectors constantly will face with both advantages and disadvantages. However, both viewpoints will be critiqued.
Those who prefer changing companies have various reasons to do that. The most significant point is because of their dissatisfaction with the recent work. These people frequently suppose that the job is boring, not suitable for their interest, abilities, time, or simply they have low salary or arguments with their colleagues or boss. Instead of extremely attempting to make everything better, they find a new job immediately, continue to cope with new challenges, and restart the cycle.
By constrast, there is a group of individuals dedicating their professional life for only one corporation. There is only one reason for this choice : They are looking forward to a great success which only can be achieved by spending all of their endeavor and concentration. After a long time with the profession, overcoming initial drawbacks, they are not only able to gain profound knowledge of their field, but also increase opportunity of recognitions and promotions.
In conclusion, while there are convincing arguments on both sides I strongly believe that it is better to follow only one job all the life, because altering companies continually have chances to become a mistake.@tuquyen11010
In terms of content, I think you should make full use of your 40 minutes to develop and strengthen your arguments further. For reference, you may want to view
forbes/sites/jacquelynsmith/2013/03/08/the-pros-and-cons-of-job-hopping/#3e80aae47bea
In terms of writing style, there's still room for improvement.
... number of careers they work in their life --> they should work in their life
... one suitable is better than what?. Better is a word used for comparison. Although you may imply the latter clause (i.e. better than changing jobs multiple times), you need to make it clearer in the first sentence.
The most significant point reason is because of their dissatisfaction with the recent current work
... dedicating their professional life for to only one corporation
... a great success which only can only be achieved by spending all of their endeavor and concentration concentrating and making the best effort
... convincing arguments on from both sides (...) follow only one job all the life throughout one's life, because altering companies continually have chances to become a mistake may prove mistaken.
Cheers!
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Quyen, you will probably get a band score of 6 with this essay. While there was a problem with your opening paragraph, which I will explain below, the overall essay stuck to the discussion, used common and easily understandable examples, and allowed for a logical discussion to progress within the essay. However, the lack of a properly developed personal opinion held the essay back. That is another discussion that I will focus on in this review.
With regards to the opening statement, the outline, or manner of paraphrase representation is suggested in the original prompt. In the original, the topic was first given, the first point of view, second point of view, then the instruction for the discussion which included your personal opinion. So the paragraph should have looked more like this:
There are some people who manage to stay in one job or career all their life. Then there are others who seem to keep switching career and jobs for some reason. This essay will discuss the reasons why people would stay at one job while others seem to prefer to work at various jobs in their career. Additionally, I will offer my personal opinion regarding this topic for the information of the readers.
The way that you wrote the paraphrasing is a bit confusing for the reader. Clarity in your writing will always result in a better TA and GRA score for you. Keep the discussion simple and do not try to create complex discussions if you are not able to do so yet.
In terms of your discussion, it isn't using complex sentences in a good way yet. However, the discussion body that you present is understandable enough and does not cause undue stress on the reader. Therefore, you did a good enough job in terms of your LR and GRA. The cohesiveness and coherence still needs a little work. That will improve as your paragraph presentation and use of sentences improve.
The personal paragraph you presented is not accurately developed because you presented it as a closing statement. A personal statement is never provided at the close of an essay because it carries new information for the reader. The concluding statement is only a summary of the discussion that you presented so that is what should be seen in it. Not the personal opinion.
Hello Quyen,
Your essay is 236 words so you can add one para for your opinion. The conclusion can't give an extra idea.
You have some mistake about spelling and grammar:
- constrast -> contract
- choice : -> choice:
- opportunity -> the opportunity.
I hope it can help you,
Minh Phuc
