Topic: Recent research has shown that media like the Internet and TV have a greater influence over people's lives than politicians.
What do you consider to be the greater influence?
The new survey has illustrated that such as internet and tv is easier to impact on community life than political figure. While it seems the politicians probably have a great say in the community, I would argue that the effect of broadcasting is quite a lot wide nowadays.
On the one hand, I agree that media is more and more generalized and it considerably affects people's lives. By the reason is we are likely to be exposed to the TV and now the Internet rather than politicians at that stage. Moreover, human behaviors are perhaps formed and improved through learning and imitation. For instance, parents often give children technological equipment like iPad, smartphone to watch videos on youtube, where they copied good and bad behavior. This leads to the formation of children's personality in the future. Furthermore, most of people guide their futures career based on the fields which they enjoy watching. For example, people who are interested in watching a video about the electronic device may choose to be a technician or IT in the future.
However, there is no doubt that politicians as well as impact on us through their speech and campaign. But this is occurred at a later stage in our life, after being shaped by the media. Most of the time politicians address their speech to a mature audience who have the ability to judge and to decide on their proposals and social plans. Certainly, because being underage they don't possess the sense of judgment to make a political choice.
In conclusion, for the reasons advanced above, I consider the media has a greater influence on people than politicians. Politicians, on the other hand, intervene only later when we acquire maturity from education and the media.
In my opinion, your opening is quite incoherent. You seem to agree with the result of the research but you wrote that you argue.
You made some grammar mistakes. For example:
... politicians as well impact ... (third paragraph)
... campaigns. (third paragraph)
... this occurs ... (third paragraph)
.. mature audiences. (third paragraph)
... future careers... (second paragraph)
... about electronic devices. (second paragraph, no article should be used)
Your last two sentences in the third paragraph does not have a good connection.
Hi~
I think your opinion is quite clear from your first and last paragraph, but I just feel it's not a strong statement that politicians leave a minor influence just because they innervate late.
Also, the linking words you use are pretty misleading:
"On the one hand" refers to a part of an issue that is of equal importance, but actually you want to emphasis this paragraph comparing to the next paragraph.
"However" gives a strong emphasis on the things following, but actually you are not in favor of the politicians' influence.
In addition, I suggest you find another way to introduce the topic through your first sentence. Even though you used different words, you still repeated the task description in a very specific way.
