Unanswered [15] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

Media can influence our behavior in short time and long time.


Ashkan123 12 / 33 2  
Nov 18, 2016   #1
#007: How do movies and television influence people's behavior?

It has happened to all of us that after watching cooking channel on TV, we feel hungry, or after looking at a horror movie- before sleeping- we check all windows and locks one more time to make sure they are all closed tight and locked correctly. All of above are just examples to show one indisputable fact: movies or TV's influence on our behavior and the influence is not just for a short period.

In a short time, media can effect on our mood. For instance; when you listen to heartbreaking music all of sudden you feel down while another hour with another type of music you feel cheerful. This fact is also true when you listen or watch the news; some news make you angry, while others make you happy, and the worth thing is we make all our decision base on our mood or in the other word we behave according to information we receive.

In a long time, Media defines good and what is bad for us. News, programs, TV series always dictate what is right or wrong, how you should dress, or how is the appropriate behavior, and even what you should like or dislike. For example; Fat people are not considered model since all models we see on media are slim.

Media can influence our behavior in short time and long time. You feel hungry when you are watching cooking channel or feel angry when hearing bad news. These are just examples of the effect of media on our behavior in a short time and how good people should dress or how should behave are examples of media in a long time. However, this dictation is sometimes good and sometimes is bad.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,562 3753  
Nov 18, 2016   #2
Ashkan, I must call your attention to the way that you have your essay formatted. It is all wrong. You need to place a space in between paragraphs to signify a separation of discussion topics and also make it easier for the reader to keep track of what he is reading in your essay. Right now, the essay misses out on creating a relaxed reading atmosphere for your reader.

By the way, I'd appreciate it if you can share the complete discussion prompt in this thread. I can't really judge the validity of your content and presentation unless I know the parameters by which you were supposed to write your response essay. Right now, I can only offer a general review and commentary, based upon the information that I can judge from reading your work.

Now, you need to lengthen your paragraph discussions. You should aim to present more information in each paragraph that tries to cover the maximum of 5 sentences . While you present commonly known information in the essay, there are instances when your essay will best be helped by the presentation of your personal experience or connection with the prompt. That will depend upon the instructions provided with the prompt so I am not really sure if that personal opinion or experience is necessary in this instance. At the moment, the information has a generalized feel to the commentary and doesn't really inform the reader about anything not already commonly known.

Reading the actual prompt will help me to better assess your essay and advice you regarding how to properly approach it. I hope you can post the prompt soon.
OP Ashkan123 12 / 33 2  
Nov 18, 2016   #3
Holt andRay93;

I would like to start by thanking you for considering my essay. Regarding my essay, I am not sure which format I want to use since I just picked one TOEFL topic to write about it and Improve my writing. I want to improve my writing and have no idea what the best approach is.Please advise me in this regards.

Regards,Ash
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,562 3753  
Nov 19, 2016   #4
Ash, in actuality, there is no right or wrong way to write any content for an academic essay, which is what a TOEFL is all about. There is though, a proper format to be followed in writing the essay. The standard format is composed of the following:

1. Introduction - offers the thesis statement of the discussion in a paraphrased form
2. Bodies of Paragraph - 3 discussions that cover the specified discussion format from the prompt instructions
3. Conclusion - summary of facts, restatement of the prompt, repetition of your personal opinion (if instructed to do so in the prompt).

So your essay has to cover 5 paragraph with each paragraph containing a minimum sentences and a maximum of 5 sentences, completed within a 250 word maximum.

That is the basic format of a TOEFL essay. The rest of the parts to be scored like Task Achievement, vocabulary, grammar, sentence structure, etc., are skills that you develop over time. Basically, you just have to keep writing, we will keep advising you as to how to improve your skills, and over time, you should begin to show improvement in your English comprehension and writing skills.

So the best advice I can give you is this, keep writing. We will help you become a better writer with the aim of passing your TOEFL test. Keep those practice essays coming. We look forward to helping you.


Home / Writing Feedback / Media can influence our behavior in short time and long time.