Please help me with my toefl essay. Thanks very much!!
Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Movies and televisions should always show audience good people are being rewarded and bad people are being punished.
The topic of movies and televisions should always show audience good people are being rewarded and bad people are being punished can be approached from several different angles due to its complexity. Some people tend to prefer movies and televisions should obey the rule that good people with reward and the opposite is true while others seem to prefer movies and televisions should not always do this. In my opinion, it is recommended or even necessary that movies and televisions should always show audience good people are being rewarded and bad people are being punished.
First of all, movies and Televisions have educational meanings for an individual to some extent. For example, when people see that a bad person is always punished in the end of the movie or the TV program, they could be more attentive to their behaviors. Whenever a bad thought emerges from their mind, they would remind themselves not to do this. This is especially true because they always realize that bad behaviors have consequences. A bad person will finally be disciplined. On the other hand, when people see that a bad person is always forgiven instead of being punished, they will consider that doing bad things is not so serious for bad behaviors are forgivable. Indeed, doing bad things is sometimes forgivable. However, the more people see a bad person with a good situation on television or movies, the less sensitive they become to them. Eventually bad behaviors do not seem wrong. They may even commit bad acts themselves without being aware of it.
In addition, the educational meanings of good behaviors on movies or televisions are also important. For example, when people see that a good person is always rewarded in the end of the movie or the television program, they would gradually realize the importance of being a good person. The most familiar theme we can see in the movies is that good people are so kind-hearted that they always help people with difficulties and never request the remuneration. Finally, good people always get the most happiness and are highly respected by everyone. Therefore people will be encouraged to do good things to obtain good results. In contrast, if they see that good people with no reward at all, they would have the passive attitude toward doing good things.
It is clear that for movies and televisions showing the concept of good people being rewarded eventually will have a positive effect on the society. Also, they should show the concept of bad people being punished in the end. If they do not always do these, the audience will be misled and there will be a possibility that they will do the wrong things.
-"from several different angles due to its complexity"
In this part, I think you should use 'owing to' instead of 'due to'. To make sure, you better check its use in the dictionary, but according to what my teacher said ,it should not be used this way.
-"Some people tend to prefer movies and televisions should obey the rule that good people with reward and the opposite is true while others seem to prefer movies and televisions should not always do this"
I think you should add "that" after prefer. However, the expression is a bit awkward, maybe you will try rewrite it in a different way.
-"In my opinion, it is recommended or even necessary that"
Try rewrite this, I can recommend this:" Nevertheless, I am of conviction that..."
-"This is especially true because they always realize that bad behaviors have consequences"
Don't use "always". That is generalization.
Your essay structure seems weak. Is it an argumentative? If so, you have to support 2 points. Besides, consider a counter argument and rebut it. The sentence structures and vocab need to be widened also if you want to score high.
My recommendation is "READ MORE". You can improve a lot from reading.
Good luck, hope my comments will help.:P
Some people tend to believe that movies and television shows should obey the rule that good people are rewarded and the opposite is true for bad people, while others seem to believe movies and television shows should not always do this.
In my opinion, it is recommended or even necessary that movies and televisions television shows should always show audience good people are being rewarded and bad people are being punished.
First of all, movies and Televisions television shows have educational meanings for an individual to some extent.
When people see... they will...
If people saw... they would...
For example, when people see that a good person is always rewarded in the end of the movie or the television program, they would will gradually realize the importance of being a good person.
You write very well with just a few errors. Hey, what about films and television shows that portray the way the world really is? Don't you want films and shows to be works of art? If we say they should always show an unrealistic world, I think that will be a terrible thing!
:-)
EF_Kevin
Thanks very much^^ It's helpful!!
Thanks^^
