The problem of doctors moving out to work in bigger cities
Most medical doctors want to work in cities where they will make a lot of money. Yet in many rural areas there are not enough doctors. What are the reasons for this problem? How can it be solved?
It is true that most medical doctors in this industrialised world prefer having jobs in cities than in rural areas to make a lot of money. Although there will undoubtedly be some negative consequences of this trend, societies can take steps to mitigate these potential problems.
In my view, the main issue is that if you live in big cities, there are obviously a lot more opportunities for mostly everyone . The doctors, who are also the workers, they probably also intend to find to have a nice and stable job in big cities. The proportion of working doctors in rural area therefore was smaller and smaller, and as the result, there are not enough doctors in surburbs, or countryside . In other words, those doctors who work in rural areas have to be more responsible and endure more pressures from their jobs, and they are possibly someday will think about quitting and want to work in big hospitals in big cities as well as others did.
There are several actions that governments could take to solve the problems described above. Firstly, a simple solution would increase their salaries, at least a bit less or the same as the doctors in big cities get paid. That will be absolutely one of their efforts to help them somehow overcome the situations and their pressures to try their best job. A second measure would be for governments to encourage the immigration in order to increase the number of working doctors, for example, the governments can reducing the tuition for those who study medical major and then work in rural areas , and if the immigration do so for them, they will get more credits for chances immigrating officially.
In conclusion, various measures can be taken to tackle the problems that are certain to arise as the number of working doctors in cities become bigger and the number of working doctors in rural areas become smaller.
The major threat to your essay is because of very generic introduction. Use hook to impress reader (if you can) such as "There are various factors taken into consideration among people who either want to live in urban or countryside"
You are to be very specific with the causes and solutions very early in the beginning (possibly after hook). Use parallel grammar (for e.g. insufficient patient exposure and poor medical infrastructure) etc.
Body Paragraphs should be like: Topic sentence followed by an explanation and example. Better to give example of your own knowledge and experience.
I am a bit worried about your conclusion: Better re-state and further organize causes and solutions. For example: Doctors encounter less exposure to serious ailments for their career improvement and rural place often devoid of critical infrastructure which, as a result, may regret them working in rural areas. This could be mitigated through provision of appropriate medical training and availability of critical health services which can re-influence them to serve the countrymen.
I hope this helps.
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The essay is a direct opinion essay. As such, the format is as follows:
- Paraphrase the topic from the original prompt
- Give reasons in response to the first question but, do not discuss the reasons yet.
- Give one solution that will work for both problems or 2 solutions that can be explained later on in a connected manner. Do not discuss the solution/s.
Based on the format for the essay, you can see how you made a mistake in your response:
OP: What are the reasons for this problem? How can it be solved?
YR: Although there will undoubtedly be some negative consequences of this trend, societies can take steps to mitigate these potential problems.
Therefore, you did not properly address the task provided by outlining what your 2 discussion paragraphs will be through the listing of your responses to the 2 questions provided in the original prompt. Your essay will be scored on a partially correct response to the essay because of this.
Your reasoning is good, but it points to government based solutions. The problem is that the government was not mentioned in the original prompt. So you should not be focusing on a single entity as the solution enacting body. This should be based on a third person plural suggestion instead. Use "the public", they, their, as some of the third person pronouns in your solution response.