Unanswered [10] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3


P.S:Meet me"You know where " (chapter two), Reaching the lake


stranger4ever 8 / 29  
Jun 23, 2010   #1
chapter two: Reaching the lake seems like forever

Running so fast, Sindy fell into a hole,not so deep, but deep enough to stop her from escaping. Everytime she tries to get out of that hole, more soil gets into her eyes and mouth. She started to panic, and then she sat down and heard something click, it was alittle bitt painful, she looked down and saw her cellphone cracked into dozens of peacices."Good job Sindy,how on earth am i going to get out of here now, I guess I am the only freak who would here",she said.''Atleast it won't get worse", as soon as she said that, it started to rain! Why me, she kept on screaming. Luckly, the was a boy walking back home and heard her yelling, so he kept on tracking Sindy's voice , but his dog reached that hole before him.And as soon as she noticed the dog, she fainted, she has a phobia from dogs. when Sam reached the hole, and saw a strange girl lying without any movement.The hole was not so deep,and he was tall fit ,stronge guy, no muscles or abbs,but strong. He stretched his hands into the hole,grabbed both of her hands ,and pulled her out of the hole." What would bring anyone to this part of the town? "He thought ,as he carried her to his house, which was beside that lake.When he knocked the door, a forty-eight years old women opened the door, she was his mother." Were have been at this time of the night?" When she notices that he is carring a girl,she points her finger and ask who is this girl, and why are you carrying her?As he entered, he told his mother the whole story.'Looks like she pumped her head',said his mother as she pointed on her forehead.I am going to get her some ice.Sindy started to wake up,and Sam told his dog,Spotty to get out of the house for a while.As the dog went outside,sindy opened her eyes,and looked at Samand said in a low fragile voice:"Who are you,and where am I",as she sat on the sofa. He answered:"Well,luckly, you where not the only freak who was there".She smiled the she looked at clock that was hanged on the wall,it was after two am."Thanks for helping me, but I have to go know"she said while standing up,but she got dizzy and sat back on the sofa."Why are you in a hurrybesides, it is too late and dark out there, you may fall in another trouble",as soon as he said that, his mother came in and gave her son an ice wrapped in a piece of a cloth,then he placed it on Sindy's forehead,and kept holding it.He looked her and said in surprised voice:"Sindy Brook,is this really you!"Sindy nodded. He asked her:"How is your new book coming, my sister keeps ontalking about you!" She looked at him with an angry look,then finally answered:Fine! He looked at her surprised of her attiude, and asked:"How much did you write?."Not much ":Sind answered ." Can I at least know the titltle of your..",I" DID NOT WRITE ANYTHING",she interrupted him. He was about to ask her why, but he felt from the look of her face that she was trying to tell him not to ask her why.Changing the topic,he said:"So what where doing out their,I mean you said that only freaks would walk in that passway,but you do not look like a freak to me?" She smiled":I did not really mean that." He nodded.She started telling him the story.When she finished,he told her wow.She answered him:" You mean super wow."No,what you said is amazing, but I meant you are so lucky,look out of this window:he pointed.She looked through the window,and screamed "OMG".She was going to get up, but firmly, he stopped her from doing that.You have to rest,tomorrow you can go out and do what you have to do."But...",No buts :he intrrupted.She replied :"Seems like it is going to take me forever to get to the lake,How can i get to be so close when I am so far away." He smiled as he turned of the light, took her to sleep in the guests room so she can sleep,on his way out,she asked him:I still did not know my savor's name?"He looked at her smilling and told her:"Sam,my name is Sam ,goodnight Sindy."Then he closed the door, She was plannibg to sneak out to see the lake,but she fell asleep.

Chapter I
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jun 24, 2010   #2
You have some excellent sentences. It is great when the franticness of a frantic scene can be expressed through frantic sentences, like that first one. You successfully got my imagination to want to know some more. However, the story will be easier to follow if you use paragraphs. Look at how paragraphs are used in novels that you like.. to separate dialogue... to introduce a new idea... etc.
OP stranger4ever 8 / 29  
Jun 24, 2010   #3
Thanks,I will use that note while writting chapter three .


Home / Writing Feedback / P.S:Meet me"You know where " (chapter two), Reaching the lake
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳