Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2

Memoir review - essay for enc 1101


runky 1 / -  
Feb 5, 2008   #1
Hi guys, I was just wondering if someone could be wonderful and just read this over for me? Its just a memoir for enc 1101 and I would love to get someone elses eyes on it to spot mistakes I haven't. Sorry the formatting got a little messed up in the pasting.

As a child I was a born adventurer. I never went looking for trouble on purpose, it
always just seemed to find me. No matter how many times I got scratched, bruised, cut or
stuck I was always looking for the next tree to climb or the next abandoned building to
rummage through. Keeping me company in most of my adventures was my band of fellow
young misfits. Though we were all in the same grade the oldest of us was Reid. He was the
most outspoken and usually led to the most trouble. Then there were Jordon and Kristen.
They were a pair of quiet and shy fraternal twins. Reid and I usually had to coax them into
joining our hazardous exploits but we always found a way.
Our most infamous and perilous undertaking started out as just another
monotonous Saturday during our last summer before starting the third grade. The four of
us were sitting around Reid's house completely engrossed in boredom. We wanted to do
something but just couldn't figure out quite what. Jordon suggested racing toy cars but
Kristen and I quickly shot down that idea. Kristen thought we should film a movie but we
had already done that the week before so that was also rejected. Reid then proposed we go
down the street to his "girlfriend"'s house to see if she had any ideas. We all knew this girl
never existed, but we played along anyway and ran down the street, forgetting to alert any
parents of where we were going.
Jordon, Kristen, and I stood on the side walk while Reid jumped the small picket
fence and ran across the sprawling green grass up to the front door. No answer. The three
of us still down by the road weren't surprised. When Reid made his way back to us I
suggested we just keep walking. There was no point in turning around since we were
already this far down the road and there was nothing to do back at the house. In our young
minds we thought this was an amazing idea. We were simply walking through a large,
upscale neighborhood but with our roaming imaginations there was no way to know what
trouble we could end up in.
As our walk progressed I picked up a fallen branch to use as a walking stick, or a
sword if really needed, along with an old hat that had been run over. With my stick in
hand, nappy hat on my head and an adventure with unlimited possibilities ahead of me, I
felt like a regular Indiana Jones. All I needed was some treasure or some villains to fight.
From the street we were able to see boats and water splashing up behind the
massive houses and decided to go have a look. We had to climb over large rocks and
fences and cautiously crawl under windows to make it to the private beach located in our
unsuspecting victims' backyard. As the water crashed over the rocky shore we were drawn
to it. The rocks were sharp and slippery and were being pounded by the harsh ocean but that only enticed us more. After a few minutes of standing on the rocks our clothes and

hair were soaked but that didn't matter. Staring out into the vast dark water we felt like we
had conquered the world. As I stared down the ocean it looked angry, but I took that as an
accomplishment.
Since the day was still young we continued to continue on our journey to nowhere.
The first challenge that approached us was trying to descend our rocky summit. Apparently
those light up sneakers, even though they were the coolest and most fashionable of the
day, weren't the best for rock climbing. Reid, Kristen and I made it back to the safety of
the sand relatively easy but once there all we could do was watch Jordon get beat up by the
waves as he slipped on the quarry. We ran to help him but his leg was already badly
scraped and bleeding. Examining the situation, our minds were racing. Jordon just kept
talking about how his parents would kill him and how the doctors will have to cut off his
leg, which only made the rest of us anxious. Our young education taught us nothing about
injuries except to put on a Band Aid and maybe have a lollipop. We were too scared to ask
anyone for help so we had no choice but to make the best of the situation. Using a few
nearby leaves and my necklace to tie them I bandaged up his leg true Survivor style.
We were now back on our adventure. Our group was wet and injured but we were
still determined for reasons now I can't recall. We navigated our way through the endless
streets, not knowing where we were going. If a street looked interesting, we would turn
down it. If another turn looked inviting, we would take it. Getting lost didn't matter to us
at the time. We were young and indestructible, for the most part, and didn't have a care in
the world or time for worries. During our nine years of life we had always been told what
to do and were kept on an invisible leash by our parents. On this day we were able to go
wherever and do whatever we wanted, a new and foreign freedom we were not allowed to
experience under the watchful eye of adults.
The day was starting to slip away as we found our way to the middle of an odd
peninsula. On one side of us were two docks. One leading to an aged, locked up house
standing on stilts in the water, and the other leading to a floating mess of a boat. Upon
inspection, and nearly falling through the delicate wooden planks of the dock, we deemed
the craft a little too dangerous even for us and moved on. On the other side of us looked
to be a restaurant, or what used to be one decades ago. The building was large and had
many windows spanning the roof to the floor. The white paint was chipping all over,
revealing its wooden construction underneath. What struck us most odd were the lights
that had been left on inside. The only signs of life we had found were numerous stray cats
running back and forth around the area yet there was light. Almost as soon as we pressed
our curious faces up to the window to peer in there was a loud crash from around the side
of the building. A very large man then appeared from around the corner. His anger was
obvious even through his long, white, and scraggily beard. Wrinkles sprawled across his
face, some from age and some from the disgust of little kids picking through his property
like they owned it. His booming voice alerted us that he had called the police and we were
to return all that we stole, which was nothing. We had done nothing wrong but were too
scared to make sense of the situation so we ran. The four of us ran faster then our little
legs had ever had to before. The old man followed chase but soon gave up after a few feet.
We spotted the cop car from down the block and darted into backyards. We hopped fences
and broke through hedges. With our adrenaline going it felt like we ran for hours until
finally coming to rest under a tree in an unknown area at an unknown hour.
The cold breeze of the night was a relief to us. We were sweating from the run and
our breaths were heavy. The gravity of the events began to hit us. We didn't know where
we were, had just run from the cops, and were only expecting more trouble from our
parents upon returning home. We started the day indestructible and worry free. As we sat
under the tree we realized how untrue our previous beliefs proved to be. We were weak
and in pain from the chase and Jordon's leg was bleeding again. We also had worries, lots
of them. Worries of what our parents would say, of if we'd be allowed to see each other
again, and of if we would even make it home. We rested for a while but knew we had to
walk again if we had any hope of finding our way.
After awhile we noticed a familiar street. It was Reid's street. His house did not
look as inviting as it did earlier in the day though. In the driveway were two cop cars, along
with those of all our parents and we could just sense the trouble waiting for us inside. We entered the house to a flood of hugs and tears, the tears belonging to both us and our

parents. It was a relief to us kids to be home but even a bigger relief to our parents. None
of us had actually understood how much they cared until now.
To me the strangest part of the situation was that none of us got in trouble. We
should have been grounded, we should have never been allowed to see each other again
and yet there was nothing. We had been selfish and not considered the feelings of our
parents. Instead of being locked in our rooms we learned we shouldn't do everything just
because we can as well as many other things. I believe that the experience of that day
taught us far more than any punishment could have.

EF_Team2 1 / 1,709  
Feb 5, 2008   #2
Greetings!

You've written a very entertaining story! I have just a few editing sugggestions for you:

He was the most outspoken and usually led us into the most trouble.

completely engrossed in boredom. - "engrossed" means it really holds your attention. Your story is engrossing, but boredom is not! :-) Better might be "wallowing in boredom."

Jordon, Kristen, and I stood on the sidewalk

Since the day was still young we continued [delete "to continue"] on our journey to nowhere.

Reid, Kristen and I made it back to the safety of the sand relatively easily

On one side of us were two docks, one leading to an aged, locked-up house
standing on stilts in the water, and the other leading to a floating mess of a boat.

His anger was obvious even through his long, white, scraggly beard.

The four of us ran faster than our little legs had ever had to before.

Worries of what our parents would say, or if we'd be allowed to see each other
again,

After a while we noticed a familiar street.

His house did not look as inviting as it had earlier in the day, though.

we learned we shouldn't do everything just because we could as well as many other things. - "as well as many other things" is rather weak. You might want to elaborate just a bit. If you don't want to enumerate the things you learned, you could go with something more implied, yet dramatic: "We learned at least five years' worth of lessons that day."

Great job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com


Home / Writing Feedback / Memoir review - essay for enc 1101