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Memorable people that influenced you (my grandmother) - Cbest writing


concord123 1 / 3  
Sep 18, 2010   #1
Please I need some feed back for this essay.
Topic CBEST Essay Writing :
We all have uncountered some memorable people in our life. Write an essay and explain why this person is unforgettable to you. Illustrate your essay using examples.

During our life time we all have encountered some memorable people that influenced .In fact,I grew up in a small rural town called Lamgharir in Morocco, approximately few kilometers from the city of Marrakech,I had the opportunity to live , observe,and follow my grandmother footsteps in life. My grandmother Zahia was the unforgettable member of our family, because of her dedication to her community, her hard work to raise five children of her deceased sister, and her love and care toward animals. Truly, my grandmother had an amazing personality.

My grandmother played an important role in serving her community.For instance , she was the only midwife in the whole town. A lot of children were named after her. Throughout the dark nights across the Atlas mountains ,my grandmother walked miles and miles to help women deliver their babies. She saved many lives without asking for anything in return. My grand mother was my inspiration to volunteer during my high school years to teach women to learn how to read and write in the Arabic language. Thus, grandma served her community very well.

Not only my grandmother was an active member of the community, but she was a great mother for her own children and the five other adopted children from her deceased younger sister. For example ,even though my grandma had to take care or her farm animals and her plantations, her children were her first priority. They were always clean, fed and happy. Grandma watched them play hours and hours on the tire swing which she hung herself on the giant tree in front of the house. In addition to her busy day grandma scarified time every night for story telling. I remember a tall white candle, on the top of a big class jar, lighting the room .On the right side of the room, we all gathered around her to enjoy her exciting stories. As a result, I learned from my grandma to put my children first. I decided to take three years off to raise my little girl Sara. Hence, my grandma was a hard working mother and a role model to me.

My grand mother loved and cared about her animals.Eventhough,the work was physically and emotionally demanding , she woke up early every day, with a pleasant attitude, to care for her dogs, chickens ,turkeys , cows, donkeys , and horses. Her hands felt rough to the touch; because she cleaned the animals place everyday .In fact, grandma would direct daily all her animals to the spacious field. As a result, they looked healthy and happy. Since they were feed only green grass and other plants from the big field. Furthermore, this freedom in the green field gave the animals body strength. Thus, grandma's animals lived in a healthy and caring environment.

As a conclusion, my grandmother was a memorable person in our family, because she dedicated her time to serve her community, she worked hard to rise her children, and she created a healthy place for her animals. Grandma influenced me and so many other people around her. I hope that all grandchildren look back and follow their grandparents footsteps. Our grandparents are the wisdom and are a wonderful asset to all of us to follow.

Zubaida 18 / 35  
Sep 19, 2010   #2
I think this sentence needs another thought to complete it:
Since they were feed only green grass and other plants from the big field.
you could say:

As a result,They looked healthy and happy since they were feed only green grass and other plants from the big field.
or:
Since they were feed only green grass and other plants from the big field, they looked healthy and happy.

Another thing I want to say about punctuation:
you should not leave a space between the comma and the word that comes before it, and leave a space between the comma, period and the word that comes after them.

I hope this will help.
Good Luck
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Sep 20, 2010   #3
During our life time we all have encountered some memorable people that influenced .In fact,I grew up in a small rural town called Lamgharir in Morocco, approximately few kilometers from the city of Marrakech I had the opportunity to live, observe, and follow my grandmother's footsteps in life. She was the unforgettable member of ...

I would like to scratch out all of that first part and let it begin with "I had the opportunity..."

They were always clean, fed and happy. Grandma watched them play hours and hours on the tire swing which she had hung herself on the giant tree in front of ...

Even though the work was physica lly and emotionally demanding, she woke up early every day with a pleasant attitude to care for her dogs, chickens ,turkeys , cows, donkeys, and horses.

:-)


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