Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

Men are more likely to sign up for the fitness membership, than women - according to the bar chart


Aris05 31 / 24 1  
Sep 14, 2016   #1
Writing task 2 : Fitness membership

The bar chart shows the number of people becoming the fitness membership, starting from 1970 to 2000. Overall, it can be clearly seen that as long as 30 years the man had the highest rate of fitness membership and the lowest membership belonged to the women group.

In 1970, the number of women joined in the fitness membership reached the smallest figure at 1000 people and the women group registered in 1975 had the same figure as the female members in 2000 where the members attained 2000 people. The following five years, the rate of women members recorded 1800 people and increased even bigger to 2800 members in 1985 where it had the equal numbers with 1995.

The men members had the same number in 1970 and 1990 (2100 members), while the highest number of fitness membership was achieved by the men in 1995 (5000 members). In the next five years, the figure of the men members dropped sharply to only 1000 members. Nevertheless, 4000 men were recorded as the fitness membership In 1975.




fadhilmd25 41 / 75 11  
Sep 15, 2016   #2
Dear Ari, here are some advices for your writing,

The bar chart shows the number ofpeople becoming the fitness membership--> In my opinion, becoming can be changed to another words, such as, entering or join

that as long as 30 years--> it is unsuitable to be used in this form, we can change it into for 30 years

the number of women joined in the fitness membership --> we can simplify this sentence, for instance, the number of women who joined the membership

The men members had the same number ... --> we also can change this sentence, for example, There was a similar numbers of participants in 1970 and 1990 which was approximately 2100 members
akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Sep 15, 2016   #3
Hi Aris..
These are my thoughts to finalize your writing. I hope these can help you to improve your skill.


becoming the fitness membership, starting from 1970 to 2000

REGISTERING AS THE FITNESS MEMBERSHIP BASED ON GENDER FROM 1970 TO 2000.
(You should mention essential information like the gender because you will review detailed in the body paragraph.

the man had the highest rate of fitness membership

THE MALE MEMBERS SUCCESSFULLY BROKE A RECORD AS THE HIGHEST NUMBER OF THE FITNESS MEMBERSHIP.

In 1970, the number of women joined in the fitness membership reached ...

IN THE BEGINNING PERIOD, THE RATE OF THE MALE MEMBERS COMMANDED AT 2,000 PEOPLE WHILE THE FEMALE ONLY STATED AT A HALF AS MUCH.

If you wanna get the high score, you are supposed to compare amongst figures. One of the task responses for writing task 1 is comparing the data so that it seems interesting to be reviewed.

I am sure you have been able to show the better progress if you practice more and more.
As many as you read examples of the writing task 1, you can get the sense of that.
Keep spirit
GOOD LUCK


Home / Writing Feedback / Men are more likely to sign up for the fitness membership, than women - according to the bar chart