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Men or women for higher-level positions? IELTS writing task 2

PeterBrown 16 / 25 6  
Dec 23, 2017   #1
Write about the following topic:

Many high-level positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50 percent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Women's demands regarding jobs

Nowadays, it has been known that a number of companies tend to prefer men to take over top positions rather than women even when more than half of the workforce is female. There are many reasons behind this. I completely agree with the above statement and will discuss the causes of this situation in this essay.

First of all, there is a widespread perception that women are not as productive as men, considering that at some point in time, they will have look after their offspring and families in lieu of their companies. Companies will, therefore, not promote women to higher-level positions such as management. For example, Tracey, one of my friend, wanted to become a CEO of a certain company and therefore worked painstakingly throughout her career. She was later rejected by the shareholders as she was a woman. Although they did not directly tell her that she was not chosen because of her gender, they did imply the fact that men would be preferred over women when it comes to choosing people for higher-level position.

Apart from this misconception about women, many women also demand to be paid as much as men when they do not contribute to their businesses as much as men do which aggravate this circumstance further. The perception of most companies about women has, therefore, worsened, rendering them to believe even more that men should take over those prestigious positions. For instance, multiple stories are published every day on magazines and newspapers, talking about how women feel disadvantaged without even knowing that the primary reason as to why they do not receive the same salary was due to their lack of contributions to their companies in comparison to men.

In conclusion, today many women are labelled as unproductive and work-shy which explains the reason why they are not chosen for superior positions. Some of them are not even aware how much expertise and skills they bring to the table. To reiterate, I firmly believe that women be given more opportunities to shine in the world.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,006 3877  
Dec 23, 2017   #2
Peter, your opening paraphrase is not sufficient enough. You are still using too much of the original wording in your restatement. That makes it a very weak paraphrase. A strong paraphrase does not use any words from the original in its presentation. This proves an extensive English vocabulary list on your part, which allows you to bring up a representation of the original prompt based upon your own understanding, sans any support from the original. A better paraphrase for this essay would have been:

Male employees are given preference in terms of filling important positions in a corporation. This is an evident reality that does not consider that more than half the working population in a given workplace is represented by female workers. This is the reason why I strongly agree with the opinion that companies and offices should be mandated to hire a certain percentage of women for various positions in the workplace.

A strong paraphrase is totally different in presentation, but contains the actual focus of the original prompt in its presentation. Once you can effectively use synonyms in your presentations, you will be able to aim for a higher score in the TA section. The example above should serve as a perfect example of this can be achieved.

You are fond of using the word "therefore" in the essay even when it is out of place, such as in the following presentation:

The perception of most companies about women has, therefore, worsened,

A more appropriate presentation if this sentence is:

This perception has worsened the status of women in the workplace.

You also did not use the term correctly in the this section:

Companies will, therefore, not promote women to higher-level positions such as management.

Only one comma is required, placed after the word "therefore". That creates a proper connection, as a connecting word, between the first and second ideas you are presenting.

You have a problem with plural forms. When you said that Tracy was one of your friend, the insinuation that she is one of many, indicates the need to use the plural form of the word which is "friends". Be careful with your grammar and punctuation usage. You are specifically scored on those 2 elements and a low score in that section will pull down your general score.

The conclusion is acceptable and accurately sums up your discussion presentation. Good work in that aspect of the essay presentation. Overall, you did a pretty good job on this essay. The mistakes you made here can easily be avoided in the future provided you apply the lessons that you learned from the mistakes you made in the development of this discussion. Good job!

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