IELTS 2; Men and women can work in any professions. Gender equality at work

Excluding males or females from certain profession because of gender

Prompt
Women and men are commonly seen as having different strengths and weaknesses. Is it right to exclude males or females from certain profession because of their gender? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

In a common situation, there have been always differences between men and women in the types of works. However, in my view, both women and men should have the freedom to apply for the job that they want.

Men and women can work in any professional work. They should have a similar chance to get a job. If they have enough competency, workplaces should not consider them based on gender. Nevertheless, workplaces should think about based on their experience, educational background, and other capabilities that they have.

Some professional requires a certain skill in women and men such as physical strength. However, women and men can educate themself to fulfill their competence for a requirement in workplaces. For instance, if men want to be able to work in a beauty salon, they should learn about the makeup field. Besides, if women want to be police, they should train themself to have a physical appearance suitable for police demands.

Furthermore, equal gender in workplaces has some benefits. For example, workplaces will have a variety that can make a better atmosphere. As a consequence, there is an influence on workers and can increase productivity and motivation for work. Moreover, they will be increased profit in companies.

In conclusion, both men and women have the same opportunity to apply for a job. They should be judged by their competency in the job applied by them. On the other hand, they can train themself to fulfill company needs. The equality of gender in the workplace will give advantages for workers and influence profits in companies.

@arisaf
Hello, i encourage you to express what do you want to be specially reviewed from you essay (that have helped me a lot to get better reviews)

I think your essay is good. It has a nice flow and answer the main prompt. However, you didn't include any real examples.
Good luck

Using a 5 paragraph format for a 4 paragraph essay is inefficient. It does not allow you to create cohesive and coherent discussion paragraphs because you are discussing too much information separately. You should work on creating quick, coherent, and properly developed paragraphs within 2 reasoning paragraphs. As long as you provide:

- A topic sentence
- A reason for the topic
- An example
- A supporting explanation for the example
- A proper transition sentence to the next topic'

You will be able to present better explanations than you have now and also, focus on the coherence and cohesiveness of your paragraphs. You presented good discussion paragraphs, the reasoning is simple and clear, but a bit disconnected at times. The lack of development stems from the lack of discussion presentation as I indicated above.

The 2 reasoning paragraph is best used for 98 percent of the Task 2 essays. Only the A/D, C&C, Comparison with personal opinion essays use the 5 paragraph format. There are clear differences between the discussions that make the use of a 4 paragraph or 5 paragraph discussion best for the presentation. If you can identify when to use the correct reasoning paragraphs, then you will have a better score overall.

An additional problem, is the improper prompt restatement on your part. While you topic summary is similar, the discussion paraphrase is where the problem came in for your presentation:

DI: Is it right to exclude males or females from certain profession because of their gender?
Response: both women and men should have the freedom to apply for the job that they want.
Correct Response: I hold the point of view that gender specific issues should not prevent males and females from seeking employment in any occupation.

Make sure that you always include the full original reason for discussion in your prompt restatement to meet task accuracy requirements. It helps you to deliver clear opinions based on the choices you are provided with in the original presentation.