Hi,
Can you help me look through this essay and tell me what I can improve on? Thank you so much!
I have been to four different schools in my ten-year school life, and at every school there are always a few spiral staircases. I used to conceive them only as an addition to the aesthetic side of the schools, but now I realise that besides adding grace to the school's environment, spiral staircases exist in schools as a tangible symbol of our education journey.
Once you start your learning journey, you start to step up the steps of the intellectual spiral staircase with great anticipation to marvel at the great heights that your ancestors have achieved over thousands of years. Like a spiral staircase where each stair is built upon another, knowledge is also built up step by step, an old step supports the new one. A scientific breakthrough like the invention of Archimedes Force was surprisingly discovered firstly by observation of Archimedes, one of the leading scientists in the past, during his bath. Many applications have been invented based on the discovery of Archimedes. There is indeed no limit to our learning journey: the more we step up, the more we learn and appreciate these inventions based on what we already know. Without simple calculation, we will never understand Calculus. Without learning about the weather, we will never know why the hurricanes tend to sweep through our place. Our knowledge is constantly cultivated and expanded to new aspects that we never believed we would be capable of understanding as we walk up the spiral staircase of knowledge.
As you walk up the staircase, you feel complacent with yourself, and you start to take your time. Your legs get tired and you want to rest. You sit down for five minutes, ten minutes, and your resting time could get to hours. And your expected time to reach a level lengthens. At other times you may find your journey dizzying. Despair agonizes you as you seem to be merely walking around an invisible pole without any progress. The higher you walk up, the more potent the sensation of the height you can feel. If your very first few steps of the staircase are not built up stably, you can even find yourself shaking tremendously as you move upwards. You are afraid of the fall. And there you stop, stuck in the middle of the spiral staircase, dreaming of reaching your next destination.
Every adventurer is bound to face challenges, but the victorious ones are the ones who never give up. Indeed, in this learning journey, the satisfaction is you get to a new level is worth all your endurances. As long as your spiral staircase is built up firmly, each step you take will be more stable thanks to your strong foundation; then all the tremors in the walk are no longer likelihood. As you walk up the staircase, do not forget to look down and enjoy the amazing clarity of objects that you once viewed at the bottom of the staircase. Even the canopy of the tallest tree is now clear in your view. Let the joy and satisfaction fill your mind as you move upwards to achieve greater heights.
Therefore, whenever you are in the middle of the spiral staircase and feel exhausted or afraid, think of the beautiful sky with the soaring birds that you can reach when you move forward. When you feel the staircase shake, don't hesitate to lean on the rail. Remember, you are never alone in your learning journey; your teachers and friends are always there to support you and help you move forward. Have faith in yourself and persevere; as long as you step up, you are growing nearer to the sky.
Hi,
I chose "you" because I want to express a more general idea, so that readers can relate to the situation easily. If I manage to modify the beginning so that I will not use "I" anymore, can I still keep "you" as the pronoun?
The spiral staircase of knowledge winds around an invisible pillar of intellect and uphold firmly to our pursuit of discovering greater heights. I will add this sentence in the second paragraph, to show the aspect of the spiral staircase. Do you think there is something I can add on to?
"As you walk up the staircase, do not forget to look down and enjoy the amazing clarity of objects that you once viewed at the bottom of the staircase. Even the canopy of the tallest tree is now clear in your view. Let the joy and satisfaction fill your mind as you move upwards to achieve greater heights." I already wrote this in the second last paragraph so as to talk about the benefit of education, helping you understand things more clearly and learn new ideas. Should I write more about climbing the staircase of education elevates you above others and your pre-education self as you suggested?
Thank you so much for your advice!
The problem is that not all of your readers will be able to identify with your situation easily. This pronoun is one that is not often used in academic writing specifically because of this. It is exclusive and sometimes offensive. How do you know how I or another individual feel exactly as you do about this situation? Perhaps I am scared of heights, therefore I would never walk slowly and complacently up a staircase. Perhaps another individual that reads your essay has not had a satisfactory educational experience. Therefore you have alienated both of us and your work is difficult to identify with. Also, when "you" is used, it is like a pointed finger; as in, "you will feel this way, or else something is wrong with you."
In creative writing, there is no problem with this because you have much more leeway in these matters, but in academia, "I" is a much better choice. If you change to "I", then you are relaying your personal experiences and feelings how you interpret them, and that is much more appropriate.
"The spiral staircase of knowledge winds around an invisible pillar of intellect and upholds firmly to my pursuit of discovering greater heights."
You could probably add this right on to the end of the paragraph, or after "If your very first few steps of the staircase are not built up stably, you can even find yourself shaking tremendously as you move upwards."
I do think that you can expand upon your last point here. As I said before, it is a good opportunity to explain some of the social and economic bonuses to education.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Thank you for the clear explanation. I get it now :)
Regarding the social and economic benefits, I can think of a few, like with education you gain respect from the society, and you have better chances for a wider scope of occupation. But I am stuck there; I do not know how to link those with the spiral staircase. I suppose I can link the opportunity thing with how you get to different levels by the staircase, but it is not really clear. Can you suggest something for me?
Thank you so much for your time and patience :)
Sure :)
Well, what about personal improvement? As one rises through the levels of education is it not more likely that one would become more confident, self-assured, and responsible?
As one rises above their old self and climbs the rungs of the staircase, one's confidence is elevated, as is the respect they gain from peers, and one's chances of obtaining the job or career of choice. As one climbs the staircase, in theory, so does their economic status. You could also draw parallels between climbing the educational staircase with that of the corporate or workplace staircase. Are the challenges one will come upon in the workforce like those faced in school?
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
