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'minimum obligations' [TOEFL] Who enjoyed/enjoy life better? Older or Young?


john6503 9 / 27  
Jul 7, 2009   #1
With a rapid advancement in technology and medical science, a growing number of people nowadays are seeking for ways to pursue better quality lifestyle. In relation to this phenomenon, the question has been arisen whether older people enjoy their life more than young people. In my opinion, I fervently believe that young people are more capable of enjoying their life than elders mainly due to their better physical condition and less responsilities to take.

First of all, most people are generally in their best shape when they are young. It is obvious that unlike young people, senior citizens have comparably weak physical condition that hinders them from enjoying activities that require one with healthy body. For example, my grandfater used to hike up the mountain in his adolescence, but now he is unable to do so as he had been experiencing with failure in his health. As this example illustrate, young people are more likely to enjoy their life than elders by taking advantage of their good physical health.

Furthemore, teenagers have less obligations to be taken into their consideration that often hamper one from enjoying his/her life. As people grow older, they start taking more responsibilities in their life such as supporting not only themselve but their family financially. In this sense, they have lack of time to spend for themselves after taking care of all the duties that are essential. Take my mother for example, she is a full time worker working for fourty hours a week. So she normally comes back home at about five o'clock. However, she still have to keep herself busy cooking meals and helping my homeworks even after hectic hours she spent at her workplace. Like this, young people can spend more time for themselves by taking less responsibilities.

In conclusion, although some might aruge that older people enjoy their life more than young people, it seems to me that there are more opportunities for young people to enjoy their life in relation to their optimal physical condition and minimum obligations.

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Please give advice on my essay.
I've only got a month to prepare this test, and i really need high score in order to apply for university of my favor.

My main problem is that I don't know when exactly to use the article such as "a/an the". Even though i know basic rule of grammar, i find it diffcult to use them in correct ways because of their diverse usage.

Also, you might have noticed that most of my sentences start with something like "there are, she/he can, it is etc...". It is one of my weaknesses that I have shortcoming in using diverse grammar structures.

Lastly, i can't think of any ideas to write for my conclusion. Do you just restate what you have mentioned thoroughout your essay in your conclusion? Anyway there are too many things that I have to work on, and I need your advice to improve my essay.

Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Jul 7, 2009   #2
With a rapid advancements in technology and medical science, a growing number of people nowadays are seeking for ways to pursue a better quality of lifestyle. In relation to this phenomenon, the question has been arisen as to whether older people enjoy their life more than young people do . In my opinion, I fervently believe that young people are more capable of enjoyingenjoy their lifelives more than the elders mainlydue to theirthe youthful being in better physical condition and less responsilities to take.having less responsibilities.

First of all, most people are generally in their best shape when they are young. It is obvious that unlike young people, senior citizens have comparably weak physical conditionare comparitively physically weaker which hinders them from enjoying activities that requires h hone witealthy body.being healthy . For example, my Grandfater used to hike up thea mountain induring his adolescence, but.Now he is unable to do so as he had been experiencing withdue tofailure s in his health. As this example illustrates , young people are more likely to enjoy their lifeves than elders by taking advantage of their good physical health.

Furthermore, teenagers have less obligations to be taken into their consideration that often hampers one from enjoying his/her life. As people grow older, they start takinghave more responsibilities in their life such as supporting not only themselves financially but their family financiallyfamilies as well . In this sense, they have lack of timedo not have time to spend forwith themselves after taking care of all the duties that are essential. Take my mother for example,she is a full time worker and work ing for fourty hours a week. So she normally comes back home at about five o'clock. However, she still have s to keep herself busy by cooking meals and helping me with my homeworks even after the hectic hours she has just spent at her workplace. Like this, young people can spend more time for themselves by taking less responsibilities.

^I do not get that last part.

In conclusion, although some might argue that older people enjoy their life more than young people, it seems to me that there are more opportunities for young people to enjoy their livesdue to to their optimal physical condition and minimum obligations.

I do not know how the TOEFL essays are marked. If it is based on grammar, there have been some grammatical errors here. I have made some attempt to correct these, however other contributors may find others.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Jul 7, 2009   #3
Since Liebe handled grammar so adeptly, I'll handle your questions.

My main problem is that I don't know when exactly to use the article such as "a/an the". Even though i know basic rule of grammar, i find it diffcult to use them in correct ways because of their diverse usage.

Yes, this is a problem for many learners of English. The only solutions are to (a) study the section on articles in your learning materials and also any online resources you can find; and (b) keep reading in English as much as possible so that, over time, the proper use of articles will come naturally to you.

Also, you might have noticed that most of my sentences start with something like "there are, she/he can, it is etc...". It is one of my weaknesses that I have shortcoming in using diverse grammar structures.

It's good that you see this and want to improve it. The strongest writing uses active verbs in a constellation of sentence structures. However, for the TOEFL, it is okay if you start sentences in these ways, so long as you do so correctly.

Lastly, i can't think of any ideas to write for my conclusion. Do you just restate what you have mentioned thoroughout your essay in your conclusion?

Writing in the real world, you may wish to use a diversity of strategies to conclude your essays. However, for the TOEFL you should stick to the formula of restating your thesis, summarizing your arguments, and closing with a memorable final thought.
OP john6503 9 / 27  
Jul 7, 2009   #4
Thanks Liebe and EF_Simone for your advice. I do really appreciate for your valuable times and efforts in correcting my grammartical errors and sharing thoughts on my problems. I will keep post my essays until they get better, so please also give advice on my coming essays. I wish i knew this site earlier, but i guess it is not too late to fix my essays since you guys are helping me. So again, thank you very much.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Jul 8, 2009   #5
You're welcome! That's what we're here for. Don't forget to pitch in, as Liebe does so reliably, to help out other forum members. And no, it's never too late to improve one's writing! Reading and commenting on others' essays is one of the best ways to do that.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jul 10, 2009   #6
Your structure and content are good, here. You have the right general formula down, and use some strong concrete examples to back up your points. I'd stick with this for your other practice essays.


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