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IELTS: mobile phone; "Iron man" / "Weichat" - destroy social interactions?


xingshigang 4 / 9  
Apr 11, 2014   #1
1 Some people argue that the technology such as mobile phone (cell phone) destroys social interaction. Do you agree or disagree? (100109)

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Recently, there has been a social concern in regards to whether mobile phones have a negative effect in our social communication. Indeed, mobile phones have been widely used for people of all ages, bringing convenience and entertainment into our life. However, as far as I am concerned, I strongly agree with the view that this great invention causes many social problems.

In the first place, spending too much time on phones may exert adverse effects on social life. In the first place, as people increasingly tend to focus and relay on phones, they may lose their interest on daily activities like meeting with their friends so that distraction may be developed during study or social activities. Moreover, continuous use of mobile phone may damage both eyesight and physical posture of the children.

Furthermore, there are many types of games available in the phone and many of them are very aggressive in nature such as "Iron man". In those games, children are rewarded for being more violent, and this violence is repeated again and again. For instance, many games involve children helping their character to kill or shoot, which many lead to increased aggressive feelings, thoughts and behaviours. Therefore, the hardship of communication may be developed.

However, other people may perceive this issue from different viewpoint. With rapid development of the internet, people are able to enjoy quick electronic communication via internet. For instance, as lots of chatting apps available online such as "Weichat", people tend to send instant messages free of charge by using their phones rather than face to face communication. Therefore, mobile phones have shortened the distance of communication.

After having considered all the problems that I have discussed above, we can finally draw a conclusion that although mobile phones brings convenience of communication, they also contribute to some social problems.

Pahan 1 / 1,907 553  
Apr 11, 2014   #2
Recently, there has been a social concern in regardswith regard to whether mobile phones have a negative effect inon the way we handle our social communication. Indeed, mobile phones have been widely used forby people of all ages, bringing convenience and entertainment into our life.and they have brought lots of convenience and entertainment for ourselves.
niesaysi 16 / 284 83  
Apr 11, 2014   #3
In the first place, spending too much time on phones may exert adverse effects on social life.In the first place(try to use another related transitional
device since you have used it in the preceding sentence)
, as people are increasingly tend tofocus and relayrelying on phones, they
may lose their interest on daily activities like meeting with their friends so that distraction may be developed during study or social activities(The bold part is another
idea which makes your sentence ambiguous.)
.
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,203 467  
Apr 11, 2014   #4
With rapid development of the internet , people are able to enjoy quick electronic communication via internet.

Have look at this phrase: With rapid development of the ... this is too common for words. All students use this. Therefore, the word is not absolutely breathtaking. Suggestion: omit

A closer look at the task:

Do you agree or disagree?

For me, if you are offered such task, then you are asked to take a position, which is neither in total agreement nor total disagreement, but somewhere in between. Then, you should explain why. And I see you did :D

However, you should pay special attention to the activities on paragraph construction
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Apr 11, 2014   #5
In the first place, as people increasingly tend to focus and relay on phones, they may lose their interest onin daily activities like meeting with their friends so that distraction may be developed during study or social activities

This sentence is too long. Do not lengthen the sentences too much because the reader would have to keep memorizing so many details which would make him tired. So the reader would not find your writing interesting :)
Pahan 1 / 1,907 553  
Apr 11, 2014   #6
Well, in your body paras you need to give reasons and then support them with specific examples. One reason per one body para is the best arrangement.
StwhWindresides 3 / 7 1  
Apr 12, 2014   #7
After having considered all the problems that I have discussed above, we can finally draw a conclusion that although mobile phones brings convenience of communication, they also contribute to some social problems -> All in all, we can conclude that mobile phone makes communication between people with people more convenient. But on the other hand, it is absolutely a main factor makes social interaction become more worse.
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,203 467  
Apr 14, 2014   #8
A small tip working with an essay's layout:
Developing the classical five paragraph essay or more will send you to earn a very impressive result, but this should be followed by a succinct explanation, coherent sentences, grammar error-free, colloquial usage, etc. Otherwise, you may get an average score.


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