Hi annguyen!! How are you?? I will see what I can suggest to improve your essay... here it isssssssssssssssssssss... ;)
However, as far as I am concerned, a substantial reduction in doing domestic chores and more leisure activities aretangible benefits that modern appliances make people's lives improve.However, as far as I am concerned, a substantial reduction in doing domestic chores and more leisure activities are circumstances which prove that modern appliances make people's lives improve.
The first point needs to be made is that people are likely to reduce their time in doing domestic chores thanks to household appliances.I think the word "Firstly" will sound better, or "on the one point" you don't have to say needs to be made because you are already making the point. ;)
people no longer need to spend much time
Another example is microwave oven, it enables housewives to cook and heat food surprisingly faster. As these examples make clear, people, therefore, can lessen the amount of time they spend on domestic chores.
Another example is a
microwave oven, it enables housewives to cook and heat food surprisingly faster.
As these examples make clear, people, therefore,
can lessen the amount of time they spend on domestic chores. These examples made it clear that advances in technology can lessen the amount of time people spend on doing domestic chores.
Even viewers can enjoy lots of high-quality films thanks to 3D television screens without going to the movies.Even without going to the a movie theatre , viewers can enjoy lots of high-quality films, thanks to 3D television screens.
In addition, mobile phones or computers
make people accessiblegive people access
to a great source of entertainment such as video games, Internet, and so forth.
However, some have opposing view that modern appliances have contributed to people's sedentary lifestyle. Because of their growing reliance on household devices, people do not want to involve in any domestic tasks
but to sit in chairsrather sit in a chair for long hours.
As a result, they are likely to be passive or suffer from obesity. Nonetheless, it is my contention that people can know how to make reasonable use of these appliances with a view to not causing undesirable consequences.I am not sure what do you mean? Rephrase?Overall, it is a good essay construction. Your vocabulary is strong. Only minor errors are seen with presenting thoughts and small grammatical errors. Is this for IELTS? ;)