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IELTS:Modern community life


woyunsi3000 2 / 4  
Jun 28, 2012   #1
An increasing number of people do not know their neighbors and never feel a sense of community. What are the causes of this situation? How can we change it?

In contemporary society, there has been a significant trend that people are getting more and more selfish and materialistic. Some citizens even know nothing about their neighbors. As a result, community activity is playing a less important role in citizen's social life these days compared with that in the past. Since social interaction is a fundament of society, the lack of inter-connections could be harmful for the sustainable development of human kind.

It's believed that a fast paced, over stressed life style and fierce competition between individuals could be the root cause of the frustrating reality. First, fast paced rhythm represents limited leisure time. There are always substantial amount of business to deal with, so that community residents no longer have enough time to participate in social interactions when back home. Second, over stress brings forth mental nervousness and fatigue, the only thing a business man intend to do when he/she escape from office or factory is to take a bath and have a good sleep. What is more, over competition intensifies the untrustworthy. The chase for higher position and better income enlarges the gaps among city dwellers. As a result, the single man is more separated from others then before.

Although non-optimistic the situation current is, plenty of improvement is being made at the moment. More and more public entertain facilities are built, which bring a variety of community communication opportunities to the messes. Also, a more flexible working time is provided to ordinary employees in order to ensure the working efficiency. Furthermore, thanks to the highly developed automatic industry, more people are liberated from boring and repeated labor. They now are more energetic to take part in social interaction. So far as I know, these are all effective and correct ways to reinforce the connectivity within a community and strengthen the sense of happiness of modern people.

Any comment would be much appreciated!
Thanks in advance.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Jun 28, 2012   #2
As a result, community activity is playingactivities play a less important role in citizen's social life these days compared with that in the past.

It's believed that a fast paced, over stressed life style and fierce competition between individuals could be the root cause of the frustrating reality.

lovely sentence... good point :)

participate in socialinteractions activities

You write very well. Good Luck!
ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jun 28, 2012   #3
In the contemporary society..

even know nothing about their neighbors

U stated this in the first sentence. Do not repeat your ideas.

community activity is playsing a less important role in citizens' social liveslife these days compared with thatin the distant past

What are the causes of this situation? How can we change it?

It would be better to move these questions to the last part of the introduction because you want to answer these questions in the body. If you ask such questions as the last part of the introduction, and answer them in the body, the coherency of the essay will improve. In fact, in this way u can connect the introduction to boy.

Regards
Ahmad
OP woyunsi3000 2 / 4  
Jun 28, 2012   #4
Thanks for again your comments!
Still I have some questions about grammar and essay structure.

1. Is it necessary to use firstly, secondly instead of first, second?
2. Although non-optimistic the situation current is, plenty of improvement is being made at the moment.
Microsoft word always reported an grammar error at comma, but I didn't quite get it.
3. The solution of the problem was given in last paragraph, should I also mention it in second paragraph where I analyzed the issue cause ?
vangorekate - / 1  
Jun 28, 2012   #5
Choose your favorite character and assign one paragraph (other than your intro and conclusion) for each of the main characteristics. Save the best charateristic for your thesis paragraph, by best I mean the characteristic that you feel the most confident providing evidence
April April 13 / 148 22  
Jun 29, 2012   #6
AlthoughHowever non-optimistic the situation current is,...
entertainment facilities

I think you should write about solutions in one para (which is your last para) and another for conclusion: restate the problem, list main causes and maybe a conditional sentence like If we do A, we will be able to B.

Apart from that, your essay is really good: good vocab and well-structured sentences.

Best.
ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jun 29, 2012   #7
1. Is it necessary to use firstly, secondly instead of first, second?
The use of "firstly" in academic writing is better than "first" because it is more formal. However, there are several opinions about the words "first" and "firstly". some believe that "first" is more suitable because the usage of "ly" is not necessary. Some others think that "firstly" is correct, and a group of linguistics believe that both are true.

2. Although non-optimistic the situation current is, plenty of improvement is being made at the moment.
Microsoft word always reported an grammar error at comma, but I didn't quite get it.
In many cases the MS word makes mistake. I think you need a comma in this sentence because of the word "Although". The use of this word means that you are going to write a sentence with two parts, at which one part is in contrast to another one. Therefore, you should use a comma between these two parts to separate them.

3. The solution of the problem was given in last paragraph, should I also mention it in second paragraph where I analyzed the issue cause ?
I think if you write the causes of a problem and its solutions separately, the essay would be more fluent and the organization would be more appropriate. If you discuss causes and solutions together, the paragraph will become too long and may make it confusing.


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