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'Modern culture understanding'/ GRE AWA


sicong 1 / 2  
Jun 3, 2012   #1
Questions:
Hello, all, I am practicing my GRE AWA. As most non-native speakers, my grammers and writing styles are of big concern. Below is an essay I wrote and criticized by other online essay judges, flagged as suffering from severe grammer problems without specifying details(I don't think they will have time to do that). I revised carefully, and reposted here. Hope you could help me with some thoughts. More importantly, I wonder some insights on the balance between sentence structure complexity and the accuracy. I really do not want to always write sentence with no more than 10 words, but more than often, the longer my wording, the more possible errors. Thanks for your inputs sincerely!

The ISSUE statement

The most effective way to understand contemporary culture is to analyze the trends of its youth. Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

My response:
The statement strives to make an extremely strong connection between the contemporary culture and the trends of its youth. Contemporary culture is a very broad and complex concept that hard to be understood thoroughly. By only studying the trends of its youth, one cannot understand this culture completely.

It is essential to grasp the elements of the contemporary culture from studying the youths, since they are creating today's culture with motivation and gifts. Our own experience can explain why they have the incentives. Just becoming independent and limited by the experiences, the youths are excluded from the think tanks which can cast profound influence on the society and cultures. But to establish themselves, they are still eager to have a share of the culture piece that are originated or dominated by their own. We can feel their sense of proud when talking about "their" facebook, "their" internet commercializing idea, and "their" new pop star Justin Bibber. Besides the intentions, they are also at their golden time to create the culture. Adolescence is the only time when one could be so free of mind burden, so spurred by the latest knowledge from school and so focusing without any distraction from life. It is then easy to understand why they are so successfully dominating the cultural life by creating Apple, Google, and Facebook, overturning the traditional culture definition of media. Because the young people are so keen and talented culture creators, undoubtedly one can reap harvest by looking for contemporary culture elements created in their realm.

Not only being creators, the youths also accept and carry the important concepts of the modern culture. This is another reason pointing youth trends as the key to understand the modern culture. They are very open-minded and hence easy to be influenced by the latest culture. Globalization for example is an indispensible part of modern culture. This idea permeates all aspects of social life, tinting the young people most. Looking at the more and more popular foreign language schools and tutors, surrounding by increasing number of multilingual young people who are embracing life of flying between different continents and bridging the different culture, one can easily identify the globalization elements of new culture. The example illustrates that by watching youths' movements, one could easily capture leading theme of today's culture.

However, it is still too hasty to conclude that the culture elements extracted from the young population make the whole of the modern culture. Contemporary culture, as any other human society characteristics, could never be fully understood without looking at the inheritance part which is hardly captured by the ever-changing trends of the youth. As mentioned before, a key premise hiding behind the blossom of the youth-dominant culture is that they are mostly precluded from lots of serious culture topic such as political culture. We barely find the contribution from the young generation, when thinking of the bi-partisan political regime. Behind the political system is the key culture element of democracy, born with the existence of the United States. It determines the three-pillar structure of the government, could never be neglected from the contemporary political culture. Instead of studying youth trends, tracing back to the history in this case would be more efficient way to deepen the understanding of current culture.

Social modern culture is such a rich concept, covering all aspects of human society ranging from language, cooking style, dressing code, political and economic system and etcetera. Its dynamic and extension part, nurtured by the tireless participation of the youth, is efficient to understand from the young rhythm. But to effectively comprehend the profound inheriting piece of the modern culture, retracing the history should be a more direct way.

EF_Susan - / 2,365 12  
Jun 7, 2012   #2
Contemporary culture is a very broad and complex concept that is hard to be understood thoroughly.

Just becoming independent and limited by the experiences, the youths are excluded from the think tanks which can cast profound influence on the society and cultures.

We can feel their sense of pride when talking about "their" facebook, "their" internet commercializing idea, and "their" new pop star Justin Bieber .

This is another reason pointing to youth trends as the key to understanding the modern culture.

Globalization for example is an indispensable part of modern culture.

Looking at the more and more populargrowing popularity of foreign language schools and tutors, surrounding by increasing number of multilingual young people who are embracing a life of flying between different continents and bridging the different cultures , one can easily

Instead of studying youth trends, tracing back to the history in this case would be a more efficient way to...

Social modern culture is such a rich concept, covering all aspects of human society ranging from language, cooking style, dressing code, political and economic system, etc.

:)
OP sicong 1 / 2  
Jun 9, 2012   #3
Hello Susan , thanks for your help! I will try to help others.


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