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TOEFL - modern society has become more complex, so it is essential for the young people

Jun 10, 2009   #1
Hi,everyone I am Li Bo from China.This is one of my practice essays for TOFEL ibt test.I am looking forword for your suggestions and thanks very much for helping me promote my writing skill.

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Businesses should do anything they can to make a profit. Use specific reasons and examples to support your position.

There are a thousand Hamlets in a thousand people's eyes.As we see, this issue-businesses should do anything they can to make a profit-is a complex one,and so different are personal experience and emotional concerns among people from diverse culture that individual might hold unique perspective.In my opinion,business also have a lot of significant things to do besides making profit.

Businessmman should realise that only when they give priority to the customers benefits and rights will they deserve the profit thay have been made.In other word,a corporation can not maitain its profits without considering the consumers's feelings.A company should always offer high-quality products and good service to its supporters if it want to survive in this increasingly fierce market competition.Gaining the trust from the consumer is the first step for business to success.

In addition,we would all agree that business must respect its employee's rights and benefits.Without the contribution of the employees,a business's goal to success is just like a castle in the air.According to a survey conducted by Chinese Academy of Social Science,all of the leading companys in China have a great employer-employee relationship.Workers in these top businesses can not only have a high reasonable salary but also gain the sense of achievement.It is evidently that trust and loyalty from employee are the cornerstone of successful business.

Last but not least,businesses should be responsible to the social stability and progress.Businesses should distribute profits to their supportive community.This can be done by donating money to none-profit organisation or building a park for local residents.After the catastrophic earthquake detroied most of the buildings and killed thousands of people in Sichuan Province,some company donated milions of dollars to help local people rebuild their motherland and won great social reputation.

In a word,we can not deny the fact that profit to a business is like water to fish,but profit does not mean everything.There are many equal important things for a business to emphasise,such as respecting customers and employees,fulfilling its social responsibility.Taking into account of all these factors,we may reach the conclusion that businesses should not only focus on profit.

Jun 10, 2009   #2
I like your opening sentence very much, but I think you need to explain it more clearly.

What I like about this essay is your use of metaphor and your use of supporting evidence.

Here are some grammatical corrections:

...it goes without saying that planning and organisation abilities can...

...young people can have more opportunities if they have the ability to plan and organise...

Last but not least,the ability to plan and organise can enhance your creativity .

In your next to last sentence and throughout the essay, you go in and out of second person.
Jun 11, 2009   #4
Make sure you are using the right part of speech when using words with multiple forms. I notice you sometimes use nouns instead of adjectives and vise versa:

"because people with these abilities can also be creative ,"

"In addition,youths can have more opportunity if they have the ability to plan and organise."

"Last but not least,the ability to plan and organise can offer you a creative mind"
Jun 11, 2009   #5
Thanks!I will never notice these problems without your assistance.I will try to avoid the second person tone and word form mistakes.
Jun 11, 2009   #6
You might want to post your revised draft here when you are finished making the proposed changes so we can offer you more feedback.
Jun 12, 2009   #7
I'v corrected some errors and changed some sentences as well.Here is my revised draft.Thanks for you concerns.
Jun 12, 2009   #8
Cut ruthlessly:

"There are one thousand Hamlets in one thousand people's eyes. As we see, this issue-it is essential for the young people to have the ability to plan and organize-is a complex one, requiring subjective judgment, and So different are personal experiences and emotional concerns among individuals that people from diverse cultures might hold unique perspectives from one another.In my opinion, I am in strong agreement with this point of view ."

There we go. The opening preamble is gone, as is the utterly useless last sentence. We know that what you have said is your opinion, and that you agree with it. It is your essay, after all. Likewise:

"First of all, it goes without saying that planning and organisation abilities can assist students master their time effectively." If it goes without saying, why are you saying it? Either you don't mean it, and should cut the phrase, or you do mean it, and should get rid of the entire sentence.

If you choose to cut the above quoted sentence entirely, then you can revise this sentence thusly:

"In other words, Students who plan their study schedule and organise their personal events tend to be more efficient than those who don't.never plan or organise. "

The more you cut without losing your meaning, the stronger your writing will be.
Jun 19, 2009   #10
Hmmmm . . . it seems that you are writing to a formula, in which you use the same introduction for each essay, with only one sentence changed. This is not a great way to build your writing skills, or to develop a strong intro.

As for the essay itself, it is off topic. You give no reasons as to why businesses should prefer customer satisfaction, employee rights, or social stability over the alternatives except inasmuch as these things might make them more profitable. In fact, much of what you write seems to be arguing that businesses should pursue profits above all else, because in doing so they will be forced to value customer satisfaction and employee rights, which is a different argument from the one you say you are going to make / have made in your intro / conclusion. Either revise your essay to argue the merits of pursuing profits (which as I said would actually allow you to maintain most of the material in your body paragraphs), or else come up with some reasons other than concern with profitability that a business might value the things you list.

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