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Ielts: Modern technology has impacted the traditional cultures in both negative and positive ways.


vincentfreeman 7 / 20 2  
Aug 25, 2014   #1
I have just finished this piece of essay. Many thanks to anyone help me correct this
Please help to make my vocabulary and grammatical range more formal and attractive

Topic:
It is inevitable that as technology advances, traditional cultures will be lost. It seems that we cannot have these two things together.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Essay:
Nowadays, technology has been developing significantly, impacting many aspects of our life. While there is belief that technology advances means a lost in traditional cultures, I would argue that although the affect of technology on culture is undeniable, it has also contributed to the preservation of traditonal culture

Thanks to modern technology, our life has been improved with many gadgets. The invention of mobile phone and internet has changed our traditional ways of communicating as well as working, it has also been much less labourous than in the pass with the assistance of electrical machineries. However, these newfangled practices has replaced many old traditional ones. For instance, factories equipped with new and highly-productive system has replaced old handmade products, the exchange of letters among friends is so hard to be seen as we have had emails and social network instead, new video games has superseded the old-physical ones. Many old traditionally cultural things have long gone as a result of modern technology.

However, despite the drawback mentioned above, technology has also made some contributions to the maintenance and study of traditional cultures in some ways. Internet has aided to assess the young generations to the cultural identity of many nations from all around the world. With the help of advanced methods, many art masterpiece has been well restorated and well preserved. Modern devices also assist the scientists to study the ancient societies much more deeply, hence discovering more cultural traces.

To give a brief conclusion, Modern technogy has impacted the traditional cultures in both negative and positive ways.

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Aug 25, 2014   #2
I marked my corrections in bold letters. The strike out means to delete them and replace. The corrections I caught are as follows:
1. It is technological advances, not technology advances.
2. It is "the effect of technology" not the affect of technology.
3. Add a period at the end of last sentence in the first paragraph.
4. Say "our lives have been improved by many gadgets" instead of "with many gadgets".
5. The invention of the mobile phone
6. ... as much as working .It is less...
7.. highly productive systems not highly productive system
8. as we have had emails...
9. Many old traditionally, cultural
10. New video games hashave
11. despite the drawbacks
12. art masterpieceshashave
13. restoratedrestored

I hope these corrections help. Let me know if you need any points clarified for you. I'll be happy to help you out :-)
OP vincentfreeman 7 / 20 2  
Aug 25, 2014   #3
Your correction is very clear to me, that's my usual slips while writing. Thanks you very much!
I wonder if you could mark my essay in the band score 9 of ielts
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Aug 25, 2014   #4
I would give it a 7 due to the numerous grammatical errors. The essence of the writing is quite clear though. The topic is thought out and developed. But there is definitely room for more discussion and improvement. I would suggest that you use document editing tools that can help you detect grammatical errors while offering corrections or advice on how to correct the mistakes. Don't forget to keep reading materials in the English language as that will help you develop sentence structures and punctuation usage skills. The key word here is practice. You can never get enough practice in the days leading up to your exam day. Good luck and don't lose heart :-)
Pyon9x 11 / 24 9  
Aug 25, 2014   #5
to me, your essay is overally good, your opinion is well developed with many interesting examples, just a few points i want to make

While there is belief that technological advances means a lost in traditional cultures,
i would rewrite it this way :
while it is believed that ....

The invention of mobile phone and internet has changed our traditional ways of communicating as well as working . [add a period here] It has also been much less labourous than it was in the past with the assistance of electrical machineries.

these newfangled practices have replace


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