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IELTS 2 - Modern Technology influence on access to important data


fatmajanna 5 / 5 3  
Jul 18, 2016   #1
Modern technology now allows rapid and uncontrolled access to and exchange of information. Far from being benefical, this is a danger to our societies. What are your views?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.


Answer

It is true that advanced development of technology eases people in the fast access and global sharing of information. On the other hand, some argue that easy access of information is rather a threat to our communities. While I accept that technology might harm our society, I believe that certain measures can be performed to overcome the harmfulness of global technology.

Internet is one of the technology that has made people compliant. It has a tremendous impact to the people globally. They can share or get information in convenient using computers or smartphones. Social media is one of the examples of where people exchange information including photos and videos. Family, relatives or friends can easily share their experiences daily through social media.

On the other hand, others argue that easy access of information can be dangerous for them. The internet is not always a secure place to keep specific information, such as business data that requires major security. They feel unsecured of any possible certain things that might occur if this highly important and confidential data fall into offenders, such as criminals or hackers. People also concern about internet because their underage children might access adult contents and harm their mental health.

Nevertheless, although I agree that latest technology could be harmful, there are preventive ways to avoid the negative outcomes of internet. For instance, use internet protection for securing confidential information and internet filter to avoid children from accessing harmful contents. Thus, we still can gain benefit of utilizing the advantage of latest technology without getting worried of any negative impacts that it might cause.

nguyenvannam 5 / 10 1  
Jul 18, 2016   #2
Good essay ! Keep going friend!

Some my suggestions:

- The Internet

- Familyfamilies(Parallel structure) , relatives or friends

- Some argue that it is easy to access

Good luck friend!
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Jul 18, 2016   #3
HI Fatma, as I was reading your essay, it actually feels as if I was reading a published article already, I say this because, the essay you wrote is very realistic, it depicts current events as well as the changes that technology brought to our lives over the past years of its development. Indeed, technology has transformed our lives in a way that we never expected, as they say, it swept us off our feet.

Nevertheless, the essay also made sure that it touches future technology inputs that will further or enhance the experience of us humans in using technology. Moreover, it is a well done and managed essay, with all the right inputs, the details of minor links that completes the sentences.

The paragraphs also transitioned well, the ideas are not overlapping each other, instead, they are helping each other in order to create that bold overall sense of the task. I hope the insights are helpful as well as useful to your revision.
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Aug 3, 2016   #4
Hi Fatma, apart from the above-mentioned feedback. I would like to give additional insights in order to help you improve your writing skill. Therefore, I hope the detailed descriptions below would be beneficial towards your future practice or test.

1st paragraph:
- To avoid over-generalizing problem, I assume that you need to pay attention to the word "technology". Technology is a general term. The prompt wants you to discuss "specific term" i.e. modern/contemporary technology. Thus, you need to be more careful about this if you want to achieve a high band score.

2nd paragraph:
- I notice that this paragraph was lack of cohesive devices. It is okay to connect sentences by using "it or they" like what has been written in your essay. However, I think that you need to add some necessary cohesive devices such as "as a result/in turn/this results". By adding some necessary cohesive devices, you can reach band 6 or above. According to IELTS writing band descriptors, "uses cohesive devices effectively..." for band 6, and "use a range of cohesive devices appropriately" for band 7.

3rd paragraph:
- This cohesive device "on the other hand" can be considered as repetitive to the first paragraph. There are many possible options to replace that such as however, nevertheless, in contrast, and many more.

- Inappropriate referencing like this "They feel unsecured of any possible..." will be dangerous towards your band score. The previous sentence didn't talk about any persons or people. Who are "they"? You can only reach 6.0 maximum due to this problem.

4th paragraph:
- You need to know that "nevertheless and on the other hand" are similar. Using "nevertheless" as the last cohesive device would not directly state the main purpose of the paragraph itself. There are also many other options to replace that word for instance In sum, To sum up, In conclusion, To conclude, and many more.

As you can see Fatma, those are additional feedback from me. I hope you can follow through.

Cheers :)
mahdinurianto25 6 / 12  
Aug 3, 2016   #5
Hello Fatma, I am very happy to see your essay because your essay is well structured and the flow is nice.

2rd paragraph:
-I think it is better if you give fact the situation before that trend, such as : before internet occured, many people should share photos manually

Overall, I am very like with your essay. I hope we can learn together about IELTS and get high score in the future :)


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