Hey, guys. I am back essayforum. So nice to meet you guys again. Thanks again for your helpful advice. FYI, plz give me the honest feedback and I appreciate sincere comments more than sugar-coated bullets. Thank you again!
Nowadays, I hear less thank-you and please in the daily conversation, especially among teenagers. From my perspective, it is very important to teach kids to respect other people no matter how dignitary or underprivileged they are.
To begin with, I am conceded that kids need to realize that other people deserve respects as much as they do. Otherwise when they go to school, kids who are born in wealthy family will despise those kids whose parents are not as rich as theirs, which will result in unfriendliness and fights among kids. Then, kids with the similar family backgrounds will start to form a group of their own. Ultimately, rich kids will no longer play with the not-so-rich kids. As a result, those kids lose the chance to know kids from different social class and exercise their social capability. All those factors will exert a major negativity on the kids' mental development.
Furthermore, things will get even worsen if kids from affluent class start to show off their superiority by bringing luxury goods into their school. Then, in order to prove that their parents are the richest, kids will compete with each other in terms of what they wear or what car their parents carrying them to school. In my point of view, that kind of ideology completely contradicts the goal of education. The purpose that kids go to school is to receive knowledge, learn how to communicate other kids and fit into a new, strange environment. Truly, money is very important but not as important as learning how to be a righteous and empathetic man when they grow up.
Given all the materials aforementioned, I am convinced that people should know why they should behave courteously in public and they should be taught how to show your respect to others in their very early days. Undoubtedly, kids are the future of our society. If we cannot guide them rightly, we will eat our own bitter fruit in the end. Finally, keep that in mind, "Treat others the way you want to be treated".
You do seem to have put some thought into this but the way your sentences flow seem a little choppy in various areas. This might be caused by sentences being separated when they can be made one with the use of conjunctions or changing one into a dependent clause. I didn't see any major grammar errors other than "Consequently, when some kind of problems going on in a mature relationship, people should be polite at first, listening to others and keeping an open mind about different opinion" should have an s on opinion and the use of phrases like "his/her" are counted as incorrect grammar by some teachers. Instead, try using "his or her" to avoid this potential issue. One thing seems to bother me about the way you ended the essay, almost like it is missing a closing sentence if that makes any sense.
Your revised version is much better than the previous one. However, i would like to offer some impovements. I hope my help will be useful
First of all, try to think about more reasons in support of your point of view. Although you have written two passages (body of the essay), the cohesion is nice (you have used trasitional words to begin with, furthermore) one reason is not enough. In case, when it is too difficult to come up with one more argument, in order to strenghten your position you may follow "one reason for-one reason against" pattern.
The conclusion cannot contain new ideas. It should be the restatement of what you said above. To be more precise, the conclusion is a short review of your argumentation.
Good luck!
Hi, Ryan!
Thank you for the constructive comments. I myself feel that my sentence is choppy too. But I don't know how to avoid writting choppy sentence. Is it going to better if I keep writing or is there any other way that I could keep practicing? Anyway, thank you for the time for reading my choppy essay:P
Thank you, MarianaS. I will revise this essay again according to your suggestion. Yes, I do agree with you that my conclusion part didn't wrap up well. I kind of get that feeling when I am writing it because it really is a painstaking job for me to finish this essay with an enlightened conclusion. So I will try to rectify that issue in the revised version:)
