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IELTS TASK 2: Modern World Provide an Unhealthy Lifestyle


aflah15 32 / 18 4  
Jan 18, 2016   #1
Question:
Some people say that in the modern world it is very difficult for people to have a healthy lifestyle. Others, however, say that it is easy for people to be healthy and fit if they want to be.


At the present time, the way of human's life is changing since there are plenty of advanced devices which have a great role in many aspects. Some people argue that this era provides unhealthy style in their life because convenient equipment reduces their efforts and produces much fast food. However, others believe that they are able to protect their health. I strongly believe that people would have the best lifestyle if they try totally to keep their health.

Modern era alters people's life because it produces lots of easiness. To illustrate, now workers operate computers which have advanced features such as internet connection. Consequently, they have to sit longer in front of the computers, so it will make their eyes become more tired. Another effect is their diet. It is difficult for them to maintain the nutrition in their food as they do not have enough time to prepare it. As a result, they tend to consume much fast food which contain sorts of chemical matter. Therefore, their lifestyle become unhealthier.

Others assume that although they have many activities, they can protect their health carefully. In my opinion, citizens who have a high awareness will care their bodies as long as possible. They can manage their time to ensure that they have lots of time for preparing their diet. Also, they should consume any simple dishes which fulfill their nutrition and spend little time. In addition, they gain much information from the internet, so it will be very easy to achieve a better lifestyle in this day. It depends on their desire.

All in all, it is clear that advanced technology alters human's life. Although it generates convenient situation where people lost their best way of life, they still have an opportunity to protect their life if they have a high awareness. If they do their best, then they obtain the best life.

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Jan 18, 2016   #2
Siti, your essay suffers from under development of ideas. You have actually presented some pretty good reasons for your belief. The problem, is that you were not able to properly defend your stance because you tried to discuss two topics in one paragraph. It is always best to discuss only one reason per paragraph so that you can develop your line of reasoning to tits fullest. The problem sentences that I spotted were:

1. ... so it will make their eyes become more tired - how does this contribute to an unhealthy lifestyle? What eye problems occur?
2. ... As a result, they tend to consume much fast food which contain sorts of chemical matter. Therefore, their lifestyle become unhealthier.- what evidence can you present to support your claim?

3. ... they should consume any simple dishes which fulfill their nutrition and spend little time. - spend little time doing what? Adding more time for what activity?

Your conclusion is strong and is in line with your discussion. Like I said, you just have to better develop certain aspects of the discussion in order to strengthen your stand on the matter.
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Jan 19, 2016   #3
unhealthy style in their life

lifestyle

try totally to keep their health.

by? no further explanation

any simple dishes

need more elaboration, example perhaps?

many activities

such as?

Siti, remember, a good paragraph consists of:

1. Main Idea
2. Reason
3. Example
4. Effect / Result
5. Conclusion

those 5 elements are connected to each other, so, never miss one of the elements to make your paragraph stronger than before.


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