Good Afternoon every one here
im new here
this is my first post, hoping for someone to help me feedback my essay
i didn't finish yet, but i want some one to check first 3 paragraph
this is a comparison\ contrast essay
here is the all the essay with out the conclusion
Mohammad and Nour are two twins siblings who are they U.S citizen lived in Palestine and moved to the United States of America in order to study. Both have two different character and characteristics. It could be said that Mohammad fits typical American stereotype, strong with dark hair and skin. Nour, however, is not, she have the Palestinian stereotype, brown hair, light skin. Yet they are twins, but they have many difference based on personality , appearance, and interest.
First of all, Mohammad is handsome, very active, walked rapidly. He joked with his friends, play with the kids. He smiled most of the time and disliked to say no. When asked a question he didn't want to answer, he remained silent. When given a choice, he always chose the easiest option. He always listened to others until they finished what they had to say. In contrast Nour is a peaceful person and appears smart for looking. she is person of hardworking, like to complete her work in time and always try to achieve her goals. she never tried to hurt anybody and she keeps herself cool. she enjoy learning a new technology, and she likes to write what ever come on her mind. She is very talkative, she is honest and she always looking for the truth.
Second of all, Mohammad is a 5.7 height. He is a sturdy build with long muscular limbs and long fingers. He have a black thick straight hair. His forehead is large and prominent, his eyelashes are long and thick, his nose is sloping, his mouth is somewhat large and his teeth are well set. and he have a pleasant smile. His eyes are large and black with a touch of brown. He have a thin line of fine hair over his neck and chest. In the other hand, Nour is 5.5 height. she have a long dark brown wavy hair, brown small eyes, light skin, real skinny, dress in jeans with long sleeve denim shirts, small nose, bow shaped mouth. she have a round hips.
finally, One of Mohammad's favorite hobbies is amateur computer programming, plus he loves football, he plays football watch football live and breath football. Moreover, he loves to go for hunting fishing, play soccer, and go for rock climbing. He likes to do a twenty-five-mile bike ride. Reverse that Nour like to help mom at home, and cook with her, and also she likes to go to the airport and take a plane to anywhere, she is aware of keeping fit with balanced diet and exercises. She likes dancing, art classes, and she have the opportunity to make new friends, cycling with friends, also she reads romantic novels.
You use "he or she" very often. May be you should try to rephrase your sentences, add transitional word to connect short sentences together. Sometimes you go to much into details describing eyelashs and similar things.
His eyes are large - what do his eyes tell to you about his character, mood and so on?
Does comparison/contrast essay require your opinion or attitude? Since I never practiced writing such type of essays, I have little to advise you about them. Reread your essay and think of the changes you can make. I am sure that other guys will also contribute to your writing with important comments.
Never say "two twins." If they are twins, we know there are two:
Mohammad and Nour are two twin siblings who are they U.S citizens that lived in Palestine and moved to the United States of America in order to study. Both have two different characters and characteristics.
The corrections by Azeri are great!! I want to also tell you that the way to make it more interesting is to create some TENSION for the reader. That means you can make the reader interested in some way, so that the reader wants to know what will happen. Or maybe the reader will want to know the answer to a question.
Try this:
At the end of the first paragraph, add a sentence that asks this question: What is so important about the similarities and differences between Mohammad and Nour?
Then, in the last paragraph, answer the question. In the FIRST sentence of the last paragraph, write this:
The similarities and differences between Mohammad and Nour are important because ________________...
:-)
thanks you all but i didnt get kevin point?you mean to answer the question for the conclusionand because wht???
Well, you had asked how to make it interesting to read. The way to do that is to create tension. Create tension by raising a question, and then provide RESOLUTION by answering it. Raise a question in the reader's mind.
This requires you to get inspired with an idea. For now, just understand what it means to create tension and then resolve it. Later today, you might get a great idea about how to raise a question in your intro and resolve it for the reader in the conclusion.
:-)
