Toefl writing; "Can money buy you happiness?" - use money in a proper way

Can money buy happiness? Do you agree or disagree and defend your idea.
Living in this society full of the desire and money. Money not only gives people hope, but also destroy the person. So money is a double-edged sword. Personally, Money can buy people happiness, it just depend how you spend it.

People can use money to Invest in your interests. Doing the things that you do like it, use money to make more convenient. For instance, first time when i go to mountain for skiing. I found it is really hard to control the balance and determine the direction that i want it to go, but when i saw other people enjoy the skiing, making the cool moves, i really envy them. So i spend money to hire an instructor to teach me the basic ski skills. After two-hour course, i feel it's easier to ski down the mountain, and i realize skiing has so much fun.

Money can help people who really need help, then we can get happiness from their smiling faces. One time, School was holding a activity to raise money in order to help the kid in the poor valley. I talked to mum then she gave me 100 $ to do that. After 1 month, we got a video from the valley. They used the money to buy clothes and pencils for the kids who need those stuff indeed. Within the video, they said thank you with a lot smiling faces. I was touching at that moment, i never experience the poor, I just realize money is so useful to them and i'm so glad that i do something for them.

Money can be evil thing if you use it in a wrong way, but when you use money to help other people or invest yourself, then money means a lot to you and you will get your own happiness from it. In a sum, i do think money can bring people happiness.

Money can be evil thing if you use it in a wrong way. But, when you use money to help other people or invest yourself. And then, money means a lot to you and you will get your own happiness from it.

Well, you seem to be having an understanding about the approach you need to follow for the intro of this TOEFL Independent Writing Task. Your intro contains the parts of Hook, Background (this is not adequately done - you need to introduce the background of the issue with a better alignment to the prompt) and the Thesis statement. However, there are several issues I find in this intro. Grammar comes on top of them. Clarity of your ideas too is a concern. Let's see what you need to improve;


.... this I guess is your hook statement. However, it is pretty confusing as it fails to deliver a clear idea... you need to rephrase this sentence.


.... grammar fix
Money not only tempts people to crave for more things, but also may destroy a person.


... This is fine. You could have used this as the hook too to open your essay.

thank you. :)

verb???

Hi vincenthuang...
I think you should put conjunction in this sentence, if you want to put 2 verb. Because, we should put 1 conjunction if 2 verb and 2 conjunction for 3 verb.

People can use money to Invest in your interests. Doing the things that you do like it, use money to make more convenientlead a quality life, do what they love to do etc. For instance, first time when iIgo went to mountain for skiing (no full spot) I found it iswas really hard to control the balance and determined the direction that iI wanted it to go

Well... I thinkt your essay seem too short. It needs to be over 300 words at least I think...

And of course make your essay in clear order like...

First of all

Secondly ..

Lastly

Yes, you need to meet at least the minimum word count of 300 words. Follow this approach for your essay and I hope it would help you meet that requirement.