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TOEFL- money for children - they don't have the ability to keep their money safe


linying 5 / 14  
Oct 16, 2010   #1
Toefl-Do you agree that in order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money at young age?

It is true that letting children learn to manage their own money at young age can drive them to develop the ability of management. While, personally I believe that children are too young to manage their money on their own.

First of all, children do not have the ability to keep their money safe. They are still on the stage of learning knowledge and they can hardly tell what is right or wrong. Therefore, they are easily be cheated. My nephew was deceived by a cheater recently. The cheater sold him a bunch of beans and told him that they were magic beans. At that time, he happened to read this story and was attract by the plot extremely so that he can hardly tell whether the story is reality or fantasy. He believed in what the cheater said and used all of his pocket money to buy those "magic" beans. What's more, they are also too weak to protect money. Many robbers hang around schools to rob those vulnerable children.

Furthermore, children are not mature enough to spend their money wisely. With the development of technology, there are more and more kinds of entertainments, such as movies, music discs, and video games...These products of entertainments always have colorful advertisement and attractive outlook so that children can not help spending lots of money on these useless things. Besides, these entertainments will also distract their concentration and make their grade slip down. If adult hold children's financial power, they will spend these money on different area like reference books, sports equipment and so on.

Besides, I don not think that children should have financial pressure when they are so young. They should enjoy their carefree childhood. And they should pay more attention on their study instead of their money. If children do not have knowledge, they will find no way to earn money and, of course, nothing to spend with their intelligent financial management.

In conclusion, children do not reach enough age to manage their money so they should not be required to do so.

Thank you for your advice!
Irrational 6 / 13  
Oct 16, 2010   #2
Hello linying,

let me give you my thoughts. I am practicing for TOEFL as well so maybe you should get some second opinion anyway.

- I think your first sentence is too fuzzy. It contains 6 verbs (is, letting, learn, manage, drive, develop). I suggest you first restate the question. This seperates the information of your opinion ("it is true") with the actual prompt and gives the introduction more strucutre. I am also confused that I read "it is true" first and then you seem to disagree with this "truth" in the next sentence.

- "they are easily be cheated." this seems wrong to me. Maybe "They are easily duped/deceived?".

- "At that time, he happened to read this story and was attract by the plot extremely so that he can hardly tell whether the story is reality or fantasy." What do you mean by "this story" it comes out of nothing (I assume it refers to Harry Potter).

- "What's" If I recall correctly you should not use this kind of abbrevation. Rather go for "What is". The some goes for "...". Just put a full stop.

- You should also work on the conclusion. Yours says that children are too young to manage their own money. Summarizing the reasons you give in your body part would engender the strength of a last sentence.

Anyway I think you have a solid basis to work on. Looking forward to read an other essay from you.
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Oct 16, 2010   #3
Hi Lin Ying

I think your essay reads well. It has good arguments and some are supported with examples. There are few grammer issues and I think you can over come them. Since you practise for toefl, I would suggest you to back all your reasons with examples. I too feel that conclusion needs a bit more expansion to include the summary of the body. However, I like your essay.

My suggestions;

WhileHowever , personally I personally believe that children are too young to manage their money on their own.

They are still onin the stage of learning knowledge(or acquiring knowledge) and therefore they can hardly telljudge what is right or wrong. Therefore,Because of this reason they arecan be easily be cheated.

At that time, he happened to read this story of magic beans and was attracted by the plot extremely so that he can hardly tell whether the story is reality or fantasy. (why don't you break up this sentence to make the reader understand the idea better; However, I like this example)

Furthermore, children are not matured enough to spend their money wisely.
OP linying 5 / 14  
Oct 16, 2010   #4
Thank for you guys' suggestions! They are really helpful!
RyanVi16 12 / 91  
Oct 16, 2010   #5
Just few more suggestions and tips

so that children can not help but spending lots of money on these useless things.

they will spend these money on different areas like reference books, sports equipment and so on

I don not think that children should have financial pressure

They should enjoy their carefree childhood.a nd they should pay more attention on their study instead of their money

In conclusion, children do not reach enough ageis not old enough to manage


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