I am preparing for The SAT. I wonder, if you guys could grade this essay out of 6 and give some feedback, it would be much appreciated. Thanks!
SAT May 2012 Essay
Prompt:
Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.
No amount of wealth can help humanity move forward and make progress, even under the management of the most dedicated and socially conscious workers. Money leads only to selfishness and becomes an irresistible temptation to its owners to abuse it. The only thing that can lead people to praiseworthy ideas and noble deeds is to follow the example of those great individuals who put other factors before money.
Adapted from Albert Einstein in Alice Calaprice, The New Quotable Einstein
Assignment:
Does money lead to selfishness? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.
My Essay:
"Money is the root of all evil", a cliché that links wealth with moral, ethical and social damage or abuse. Personally, I believe that it's a far fetched assumption. Money can by no mean alter people's behavior, leading to greed and selfishness.
First and foremost, I think that it's parochial and irreverent to address to money as manipulator of human's reason. Money lead to individual prosperity thus increasing human's ability to engage in social activism, altruism and philanthropy. Bill Gates, Warren Buffet and Angelina Jolie are figures who dedicate a part of their wealth to subsidize sub-Saharan regions with water supplies, electricity and food. Their growing wealth put it on the track to eradicate extreme poverty , to build schools and to draw a smile on faces suffering from insurgency, sectarian strife and hunger. Some other rich people like Steve Jobs, who own astronomical amount of wealth, is investing capitals to charity in order to save countless homeless and educated people. His kind-hearted attitude to low-income families and underprivileged invidious urged rich people around the world to follow his footsteps and to support the needy, the sick and the homeless.
In addition, rich people tend to be fully aware about the woes of the world that's why they contribute to heal one of the modern-world wounds, to solve some stressing issues like Famine and to lessen, finally, tensions around the world. For example to tighten the wide gap between the haves and have-nots, They introduce plenty of voluntary campaigns funded by their own firms, business or jobs. They sacrifice their income to enable people to enjoy products and services for free. For instance, Cristiano Ronaldo, 2014 Ballon D'Or Winner, donated millions of dollars to fund refugee Organizations and to give significant part of his money to give opportunities for young football talents to play in prestigious Academies and achieve their dreams.
Finally, Money does not trigger selfishness. There are wealthy people who share, care for others and feel their pain. They make numerous contributions to the prosperity of human kind overall. Basically, it's a hasty generalization to claim that money generates greed, vanity and selfishness.
Hi, Dawn01!
I think it is a very good piece of writing considering the language use.
Here I make some corrections, I hope they enhance your writing.
"Money is the root of all evil", a cliché that links wealth with moral, ethical and social damage or abuse.(I think moral and ethical are similar to each other so it may seem as redundancy to use both)
I think that it's parochial and irreverent to address to money as manipulator of human's reason.
Money leadleads to individual prosperity thus increasing human's ability to engage in social activism, altruism and philanthropy.
is investing capitals toin charity in order to save countless homeless and educated people.
His kind-hearted attitude to low-income families and underprivileged invidious (do you meanindividuals )
For instance, Cristiano Ronaldo, 2014 Ballon D'Or Winner, donated millions of dollars to fund refugee Organizations and to give significant part of his money to giveprovide opportunities for young football talents to play in prestigious Academies and achieve their dreams.
some more correction.
I think that it's parochial and irreverent (I would usesuperficial and unreasonable ) to address to money as manipulator of human's sense .
Money leads to individual prosperity thus increasingenhancing human's ability to engage in social activism, altruism and philanthropy.
I would grade it 4.
I think you should mind word choices.
