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Money is one of the greatest tools in life


aljur 2 / 6  
Feb 22, 2007   #1
Money is one of the greatest tools in life. We can buy convinience, freedom, and comfortabla life. However, If I had a million dollars, I would prioritize my personal needs and interest. I would also share and help the needs. If ever I had a million, I would definitely use the money properly.

Help me to edit my Introduction Please.. Anyone..

This is my body paragraph:

First and foremost, If I had a million, I would help my parents. I would pay their credit cards, and pay off our house and car. Secondly, I will put my sister back in school; She wants to be an archetic someday but because of lack of money she decided to work. She actually working two jobs. She's working at the store as a sales clerk and the other one is a Data Entry at Pharmacutical. I feel bad because she's paying half of my tuition. I think it's about time to pay back what she've done to me. Since my dad has been wanting to have a brand new car, I would buy him a red BMW. I want to give the best for my family.

If I had a milllion dollars, I would help my grandparents in my country. I would build a small business for them. Maybe a mini groceries store. In that case, I can also help my cousins that didn't work. They graduated from a good college school, but they couldn't find any because of the economy. When we were back in the Philippines, they were giving us some money and foods when we don't have.

You think this is good enough?

Timcago 8 / 4  
Feb 22, 2007   #2
I am no tutor, but i gave it a shot.

Money, one of the greatest tools in life, can buy convenience, freedom, and a comfortable life. However, if I had a million dollars, I would prioritize my personal needs and interest. I would also share and help with the needs of others. I would definitely use the money properly! [Insert a thesis statement here once you know what the topic of all your body paragraphs will be. Here is an example. With one million dollars I would financially aid my parents, siblings, and close relatives.]

If I had a million dollars, I would help my parents by paying off their credit card debts, house, and car. I will put my sister back in school; she wants to be an architect someday, but due to a lack of money, she decided to work. She is actually working two jobs! She works at a store [name the store] as a sales clerk and she also does Data Entry at a Pharmaceutical company. I feel bad because she's paying half of my tuition. I think it's about time to pay back what she has done for me. My dad has been wanting a brand new car, so I would buy him a red BMW. I want to give the best for my family.

If I had a million dollars, I would help my grandparents in my country. I would build a small business for them; maybe a mini grocery store. In that case, I can also help my cousins that didn't work. They graduated from a good college, but they couldn't find jobs because of the economy. When we were back in the Philippines, they were giving us some money and food when we did not have any.
OP aljur 2 / 6  
Feb 22, 2007   #3
thank you very much..I appreciate it..it's really nice.. I like it better. again thank you..
EF_Team2 1 / 1,709  
Feb 22, 2007   #4
Greetings!

Timcago has done a great job of editing, thank you! I have only a few more suggestions to make to what Tim has done:

"I will put my sister back in school" - To keep your verb tenses consistent, say "I would put my sister ..."

Don't capitalize "data entry at a pharmaceutical company."

"I want to give the best for my family." - The phrase should be either "I want the best for my family" or "I want to give the best to my family."

"In that case, I can also help my cousins that didn't work." - Better would be "If I did that, I could also help my cousins who cannot find work."

You probably have another paragraph, too, for your closing, yes? If not, you'll need one.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP aljur 2 / 6  
Feb 22, 2007   #5
Yes I do, but I coudn't think I'm not good at writing essay I've been here for 1 year and half. I have no idea what I am going to write. Thank you so much for the help. I appreciate it so much. Thank you thank you.


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