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MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL


Mariuxi 1 / 2 1  
Aug 11, 2014   #1
It is universally acknowledged that we all need money, some people to live, others to survive. Some of us agree that money is a good friend when one knows to "treat" it. However, there are those who think it is the evil among us. Nevertheless, it must be said that money is not a bad thing, it basically depends on how people use it and, above all, establishing the difference between necessity and avarice.

First of all, some people have clear thoughts about life and morals, for this reason it is as clear as the water what money is mainly for. This kind of people, with principles and good behavior, look at money as a friend, as a necessity, and use it for good reasons such as education, health, in-future activities and emergencies.

On the other hand, there are some people, believe it or not, that think money is the only one most important thing in the whole world and they would do anything for it. Owing to these "human beings" such as murderers, smugglers, drug dealers, gunmen, etc. is why money is similar to devil. Nevertheless, let's think about this : When there is a murder, who is wanted? Money or a person/group of people?. We all know what the answer is, a specific person is the only one wanted for any crime, no money.

In conclusion, we all need money for everything; nonetheless, when money controls us, our life gets out of control, it rules our lives. Therefore, our actions give the real meaning for money, not itself.

EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Aug 12, 2014   #2
Some of us agree that money is a good friend when one knows to "treat" it.

I think you may have intended to use the word how in this sentence. Or, as some other word missing from this sentence?

Nevertheless, it must be said that -- This is a run-on sentence. You can separate it into 2 sentences. ...not a bad thing. Whether or not it is bad basically depends on how people use it and, above all, establishing the difference between necessity and avarice.

And now I changed it a bit, but it is still slightly unclear. The end of the sentence sounds nice, but can be confusing. You can 'sharpen' the message of the essay by adding one more sentence to the end of the paragraph. Is money really the root of evil? Those power really corrupted? These two bits of common wisdom are interrelated.

Try to add a great, insightful, unforgettable sentences to the end of the first paragraph.

In conclusion, we all need money for everything; nonetheless, ---- This is good! You used the semicolon effectively here, and you can use it the same way in that example above that I said was a run on sentence.
OP Mariuxi 1 / 2 1  
Aug 15, 2014   #3
Thank you so much! Great pieces of advice!!!!! I really appreciate it!!
SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Sep 12, 2014   #4
I wonder that you can write the prompt and purpose of the essay. It is addressed for IELTS, TOEFL or perhaps GRE.

First of all, some people have clear thoughts about life and morals, for this reason it is as clear as the water what money is mainly for. This kind of people, with principles and good behavior, look at money as a friend, as a necessity, and use it for good reasons such as education, health, in-future activities and emergencies.

I like your idea in such paragraph. However, it will probably better if you add some examples to support your main idea.

, etc. is w

be careful in using punctuation.

On the other hand, there are some people, believe it or not, that think money is the only one most important thing in the whole world and they would do anything for it. Owing to these "human beings" such as murderers, smugglers, drug dealers, gunmen, etc. is why money is similar to devil. Nevertheless, let's think about this : When there is a murder, who is wanted? Money or a person/group of people?. We all know what the answer is, a specific person is the only one wanted for any crime, no money.

You do great idea again in this paragraph. This can be enriched, probably you can use what if question such as what if the human basic can be fulfilled without money. Then, you can connect the importance of money with the criminalization.

Hopefully helpful :D


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