Writing essay. Thanks for correcting it !
Topic: Some people choose a career according to the social status and salary it will give them. Others choose a career according to whether they will enjoy the work.
Career priorities to consider when job searching
Money is not able to to purchase happiness but it is a mean to fulfill happiness. Therefore, money is the crucial factor to choose a career. Many people choose their profesions according to the social status or salary while others pursue their passion occupations. In my opinion, social status and salary are the factors affecting my decision for the following reasons.
Firstly, it is too hard to deny that salary or money can lead people to a better life quality. Choosing a well-paid job is a practical choice. If people merely follow their enthusiasm careers but forget the role of economy, they will have a difficulty in existing in this fierce competitive society. People need money to cover their basic expenses: food, shelter, and clothing. Beyond that, salary job will contribute to support their families in health protection and education. If they can not afford their lives, they will place burdens on their relatives.
Secondly, a profession associating with social status or salary can bring individuals the regard of society. People assume that well position and income reflect their certificates and capacities.To reach that position and salary, people need to illustrate their skills, abilities, etc. For instance, doctors are always admirably respected not only due to their service for community but also their extensive knowledge.
On the other hand, some opinions think that people should pursue occupations they appreciate since their passions can drive them the most successful career in a long term. However, passion is an elusive emotion that changes over time. Moreover, in some cases, many people have to give up their passions halfway to look for another well - paid job because of lacking money.
To sum up, depending on salary and social status when deciding a career should be a more prioritized decision. This do not make people become to be pragmatic but practical. That means people know what is important to them in their lives right now. As long as they do not sacrifice ethics and the things that are valuable to them.Try to use more appropriate words when you are constructing your essay. Notice also how you structure your sentences; ensure that you use appropriate words as you curate the context. It would also be helpful if you can rearrange your sentences to follow a more inductive pattern - doing this can enhance the content.
Let's to revise a couple parts of your essay.
Money is unable to purchase happiness, however it can lead to a fulfilling lifestyle. A lot of people consider salary and benefits when deciding what profession to partake in. While there are others who pursue their passion, money is an inevitably crucial factor when choosing a career. [...]
Notice how rearranging the structure and flow of sentences can lead you to have more concise content for your essay. Always take into consideration that as you are writing, trying to follow a particular style or pattern is critical to have a more dynamic flow for your essay. Moreover, I would also say that trying to minimize the possibility of you repeating words is also important. When you find yourself repeating the same terms over and over again, opt to retain only one and try to seek alternatives that are synonymous.
Try to also not be lazy when you are describing scenarios in your essay.
For instance, I can revise certain parts of your second paragraph as:
Firstly, it is difficult to deny that money leads to better life quality. [...] If people merely follow their passion for career choices, they forget the economical perspective; they will have difficulty persevering in a competitive society. [...]
Notice how instead of mentioning that it is a too hard of a choice to make, I mentioned that it is a difficult choice. Having hold of these synonyms is pivotal when you are constructing your essay. It can help you in having more effective descriptions that can lure the readers more.
Apply these comments to the rest of the essay. Best of luck!
Many thanks for correcting my essay again! Your comment is definitely helpful for me, but I have a little bit confused. I have trouble in arranging the flow of sentence. I do not know how to make sentences go smoothly. Could you have me some advice or suggestions for me about my stuck?
