There are specific questions being asked as a part of the writer's opinion presentation. While the writer did his best to deliver the correct restatement + personal opinion, the relevant paragraph failed to deliver because of 2 problems:
1. He provided a prompt deviant discussion point by indicating
I agree with this viewpoint to a certain extent
which is not a part of the discussion consideration for this prompt. This is actually a totally different prompt discussion instruction so it should not be referred to in this paragraph at all. It created heavy deductions due to an irrelevant response and unclear opinion presentation.
2. He failed to give direct topic responses to the 2 questions which would have comprised his opinion response. As such, the writer did not fulfill the clear writer's opinion presentation requirement for the paragraph.
These errors will result in a non-passing preliminary assessment score for the paragraph.
The discussion format is also improper as the essay base questions are not based on related discussion points. Therefore, a comparative reference referring to
On the one hand
and
On the other hand
cannot be used. These are not the correct transition phrases to use in this case because the requirement is more along the lines of a transition sentence, due to the differing discussion focus of the questions. Though based on a single topic, the discussion targets are different and unrelated.
When considering the basis of the first question, the paragraph that the writer developed in reference to it is not totally convincing because the premise is based on big business rather than the SME's. A big business is already financially stable and therefore, cannot be considered the correct basis for this discussion. It is already a financial success. The presentation in that paragraph is not really applicable as presented.
The second reasoning paragraph is more aligned with the question it is responding to. So this is the paragraph that can receive full scoring considerations. The problem is that the first reasoning paragraph will pull back the scoring consideration due to the incomplete and mostly improper discussion presentation.
There is a misplaced apostrophe usage in this essay. It was used to indicate the plural form of a the word customers, which was unnecessary because the plural form does not use an apostrophe in its indicative form. An apostrophe S would have represented an ownership discussion point. That said, it is important to note that the correct word construction would have been the plural form, without any apostrophe usage.
A concluding summary was necessary in this essay. The writer tried to provide one but he did not use the correct 40 word, 2 sentence minimum format for the paragraph so it cannot receive full TA considerations in terms of response format either.